Tag Archives: Kid Jokes

Image For How Would You Describe Couple Sex Joke

How Would You Describe Couple Sex?

Image For How Would You Describe Couple Sex JokeAn 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him “Grandpa what is couple sex?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?

The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”

Has Anyone Seen God?

The Smith Family had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in  town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The priest agreed, but asked to see them individually.

The next morning the mother drove the boys into town to meet with the priest. The 8 year old was sent into the priests office first.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”

Again the boy, dumbfounded, made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly to the car and wouldn’t speak the whole way home, where he ran to his room and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude…
God is missing–and they think WE did it!”

A Mothers Report Card

A mother is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date.

‘Mommy,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’

‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’

‘Now really,’ the mother says, ‘Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’

‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’

Later while the girls are playing, ‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything you need to know on it.’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’

The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?

‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’

‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’

‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’

‘Because you got an F in sex.’

Not in the barn yard

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A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, “Who can tell me what this is?”

A little girl raised her hand.
“Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?”
“It’s a cow, teacher.”
“Very good, Janie,” said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “What does your mommy call your daddy when she’s trying to be ‘lovey-dovey’?”

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, –
“ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It’s a big horny bastard!”

What are you in for?

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Two little boys, Billy and Tommy, were sitting in the hospital waiting room anxious about what was about to happen. As they were talking nervously to each other, Billy eventually asked, “Hey Tommy, what’re you in here for?”

“I’m getting my tonsils out today, I’m a little worried,” said Tommy.

“Oh that’s no big deal. I had my tonsils out last year and it was a great! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”

“Oh yeah?” replied Tommy. “That doesn’t sound so bad. What are you here for Billy?”

“I’m getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Billy answered.

“Oh my GOD, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn’t walk for almost two years!”

luggage joke about eating a booger from my daughters finger

What’s Wrong Honey?

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I was packing for a business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, ‘Daddy, look at this’, and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, ‘Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers’, pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing. When I looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

‘What’s wrong, honey?’ I said.

She replied,

‘What happened to my booger?’

fisher price tea set joke about drinking toilet water

The Cutest Thing

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One day my wife was out, and it was just me and my daughter.

She was maybe two years old. Someone had given her a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.

I was in the living room engrossed in the game when she brought me a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my wife came home.

I made my wife wait in the living room to watch my daughter bring me a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ She waited, and sure enough, my daughter came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy, and my wife watched me drink it up.

Then my wife said, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?”

kids that think they found the easter bunny and hes laying chocolate eggs

Easter Jokes

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A few Easter one-liners for evey one today.

kids that think they found the easter bunny and hes laying chocolate eggs
Why did the easter egg hide?
He was a little chicken!

Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?
It might crack up!

How did the Easter Bunny rate the Easter parade?
He said it was eggs-cellent!

What’s the best way to send a letter to the Easter Bunny?
Hare mail!

What is the Easter Bunny’s favourite state capital?
Albunny, New York!

What did the rabbit say to the carrot before he left?
It’s been nice gnawing you!

How does a rabbit keep his fur looking good?
With hare spray!

Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail?
To a re-tail store!

What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person?
An Easter basket case!

life saver candy asshole joke

You never know what flavor your going to get!

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One morning Ms. Fox was teaching her second grade class about flavor and color associations. To do this she was giving the students Lifesaver Candy. She gave all the kids the red ones, “Cherry” they all shouted. Then yellow ones, “Lemon” they said. And green ones, “Lime!”

Finally she gave them clear, honey flavored Lifesavers, but none of the students could guess. “I’ll give you a hint,” Ms. Fox said. “They are what your Mom might sometimes call your Dad.”

One little girl spits hers on the floor and says,

“Ewww, they’re assholes!”

How many women can you marry?

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Two younger boys were sitting on a bench watching the grown-ups dance at a wedding reception, when the younger of the two boys, deep in thought, asks the other boy, “How many women can a man marry?” Right away the other boy answers, “Sixteen.”
“Sixteen!? Wow, how do you know that?” the younger boy asks.

“Didn’t you hear the preacher when he was talking? All you have to do is add it up,” the older boy says.

“Four better, Four worse, Four richer, Four poorer.”

Wedding Nightmares