A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, “I’m so old. I’m so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment.”
Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, “Well, you really have great eyesight!”
An older couple was out for a Sunday drive and they decided to go to the town where they had first met.
After they had eaten a wonderful lunch at a nice little dinner bordering an open field, the husband says to his wife “Hey, do you remember that long fence at the other side of the filed?” His wife goes “Why, yes Marvin, of course! That’s where we first made love on a warm spring afternoon.” Marvin gets a sly smile on his face and says to his wife, “Well, how about we go relive that again, eh?”.
His wife, with a big grin agrees. The young man that was serving them over hears the whole thing, and seeing an opportunity for a YouTube video follows them out.
The old couple gets to the fence, get naked and then start rocking and bucking like they’re 16 years old! The young guy watches the whole thing is disbelief until they finally collapse off the fence, sweaty and breathing hard. Startling the old couple the young man speaks up and asks them in amazement ” Wow! How the did two old-timers like you keep that much stamina?!”. The old man, who is still kinda dazed, stands up and says “Well lets put it this way kid, 60 years ago, the damn fence wasn’t electrified!”
A mother is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date.
‘Mommy,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’
‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’
‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’
‘Now really,’ the mother says, ‘Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’
Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’
‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’
Later while the girls are playing, ‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.
‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything you need to know on it.’
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’
The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?
‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’
‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’
‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’
‘Because you got an F in sex.’
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength
, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven
! Spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula
by his wife.
“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral!”
An 80 year old couple was having problems remembering things and finally the wife says, “We’re getting to be the butt of Old People Jokes, maybe we should get a check up.” So they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, he tells them that they were physically okay, but, the doctor jokes, “You might want to start writing things down and make notes to help remember things.”
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?” He replied, “To the kitchen.” She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” He replied, “Sure.” She then asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” He said, “No, I can remember that.”
She then said, “Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.” He said, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” She replied, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”
With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: “I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”