Tag Archives: Priest

Baptism - Dunk a Drunk Joke

Dunk the Drunk

Baptism - Dunk a Drunk Joke

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a baptism along the river bank. The drunk stumbles into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the heavy smell of alcohol, disgusted, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk shouts, “Yes, oi am.”

So the preacher grabs him by his shirt collar and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back up and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, me brother?”

The drunk answers, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!”

The preacher frowns and decides to dunk the drunk man again… this time the preacher holds him down for a good 30 or 40 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God man, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in”?

A Condom Mistake

Miss Davenport, the church organist, was late in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweet personality and kindness to everyone.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her livingroom. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea… As he sat facing her old Hammond Organ, the young minister noticed a decorative glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a latex condom!

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the condom, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Davenport’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes!’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on your organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!’

Who Needs To Confess?

From jokespalace

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

Has Anyone Seen God?

The Smith Family had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in  town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The priest agreed, but asked to see them individually.

The next morning the mother drove the boys into town to meet with the priest. The 8 year old was sent into the priests office first.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”

Again the boy, dumbfounded, made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly to the car and wouldn’t speak the whole way home, where he ran to his room and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude…
God is missing–and they think WE did it!”