Tag Archives: Adult Jokes

Funny Jokes For Adults

But what could he do? So Pancho Villa ate the poop.

But What Could I Do? So I Ate The Poop

But what could he do? So Pancho Villa ate the poop.A young man was in a bar sipping his tequila when he notices a picture of Pancho Villa on the wall behind the bar. Jokingly, the young man asks the old bartender, “Did you know Pancho Villa?”

“Did I know Pancho Villa?” Says the old bartender,  “Let me tell you a story my friend.  I was a young man tending to a herd of cattle when I saw far in the distance a great red cloud of sand and dust coming toward me from the desert.

As the cloud of dust got closer, I was very nervous it was bandits. I heard the sound of hoof beats and at last I saw a great white horse, and it was the great man himself, Pancho Villa riding straight at me!

He got close to me and I saw he had a large silver pistol with an ivory handle.  He drew the pistol and pointed it right at my head. I was very scared.  He laughed out loud said ‘Drop your pants.’

What could I do?  He had his pistol pointed right at me – so I dropped my pants.  Then he said ‘Squat.’  What could I do?  He had his pistol pointed right at me – so I squat down like he says.  Then he said –


I did not have to poop, but what could I do?  He had his pistol pointed right at me. I was very scared, so I pooped.  Pancho Villa pointed his gun at me and with a deep laugh and sinister grin, said ‘Now eat that poop.’

‘Crap,’ I thought. It was disgusting, but what could I do?  He had his pistol pointed right at me, so I ate the poop.  Pancho Villa laughed for a very long time and laughed so hard he fell off his horse, and his silver pistol landed right next to me – so I picked it up and pointed it at Pancho Villa.

He stopped laughing very quickly and I said, ‘drop your pants.’  Oh, Pancho Villa was very scared – what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him!  So he dropped his pants.

I said ‘Squat’ and so Pancho Villa squatted, what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him! Then I said ‘Poop’, and he dropped a big one!

I had a great bid shit eating grin and I said ‘Now, eat that poop.’  He was not happy, but what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him! So Pancho Villa ate that poop!

And you asked me if I know Pancho Villa??

Yes my friend, I knew Pancho Villa, we had lunch together!”

Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution

Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution

Sisters of St. Francis House of ProstitutionA man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye..it reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on with out a second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”
He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business…..”

“Very well my son. Please follow me” He is led through many winding passages and soon is quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.” He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, “Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway. “He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:


Morning Sex, It’s All About The Timing!

My wife was standing in the kitchen preparing our usual eggs, bacon, and toast for breakfast and wearing only the t-shirt that she normally sleeps in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said in a hurried tone, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes opened wide as I thought, “either I’m still dreaming or this is going to be a great day!” Not being one to argue with my wife about morning sex, I embraced her and gave it my all, right there on the kitchen counter.

Afterward she said, “Thanks,” straightened her shirt and returned to the stove and took the eggs out of the pan.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She set my plate on the table and said matter-of-factly, “Oh, the egg timer is broken.”

Wii bit of an Idiot

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best buddy, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, “What’s going on?”

My wife said, “Erm… We’ve been playing on the Wii Fit.” She winked at my buddy and said, “Dave did VERY well.”

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me an “idiot”, but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

A Condom Mistake

Miss Davenport, the church organist, was late in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweet personality and kindness to everyone.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her livingroom. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea… As he sat facing her old Hammond Organ, the young minister noticed a decorative glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a latex condom!

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the condom, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Davenport’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes!’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on your organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!’

What’s Your Sex Life Nickname?

From jokespalace.com

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.” Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.”

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, “Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.” Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?”

“Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”

He found his sex drive alright!

A woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband’s sex drive.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asks the doctor.

‘That’s not the problem,’ says Mrs. Smith. ‘He just doesn’t seem interested in sex anymore.’

‘No problem, I’ve got something else he can take’ replies the doctor. ‘Drop it into his coffee, he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how it worked.’

A week later Mrs. Smith returns to the doctor and he asks as to how things went.

‘Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.’

‘What happened?’ asks the doctor.

‘Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept everything off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!’

‘What was terrible?’ said the doctor, ‘Was the sex not good?’

‘Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 15 years… but I’ll never be able to show my face in that IHOP again!’

Are You This Nice To Every Guy?

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.”

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterward, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.”

Parrot image for new house new madam joke

New House, New Madam

A woman was at a shopping mall when she passed a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. She had always wanted a parrot and decided to go in to the store.

“Why is the parrot so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution… and sometimes it says some pretty inappropriate things.”

The woman thought about this for a minute, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but thought “I guess that’s not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Later that evening, the woman’s husband, Robert, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Rob!”

A Rusty Poke

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She says, “Why, are you sick?”
He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.”
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, “Where the hell are you going”?
She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”
He says, “Why, what do you need?”
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”