Author Archives: Joker

What a Sweet Tiger Joke

John and Sally are in the store when Sally calls to John and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a neat jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The Sally says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a sweet tiger.”

John studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling the tiger on that box.”

“Second,” John sighs, “lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

vampires in a bar

Vampires at the Bar

Three vampires walk into a nice, dark, dive bar. The bartender looks at them a little sideways, but decides to serve them anyway. “What’ll it be, boys?”

The first vampire says “I’ll have a Blood!”

The second vampire says “Mehh, I’ll also have a Blood.”

The third vampire says “I’m watching my figure, I just want plasma.”

The Bartender smiles and says “Got it. Two Bloods, and a Blood-Light.”

Image For How Would You Describe Couple Sex Joke

How Would You Describe Couple Sex?

Image For How Would You Describe Couple Sex JokeAn 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him “Grandpa what is couple sex?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?

The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”

But what could he do? So Pancho Villa ate the poop.

But What Could I Do? So I Ate The Poop

But what could he do? So Pancho Villa ate the poop.A young man was in a bar sipping his tequila when he notices a picture of Pancho Villa on the wall behind the bar. Jokingly, the young man asks the old bartender, “Did you know Pancho Villa?”

“Did I know Pancho Villa?” Says the old bartender,  “Let me tell you a story my friend.  I was a young man tending to a herd of cattle when I saw far in the distance a great red cloud of sand and dust coming toward me from the desert.

As the cloud of dust got closer, I was very nervous it was bandits. I heard the sound of hoof beats and at last I saw a great white horse, and it was the great man himself, Pancho Villa riding straight at me!

He got close to me and I saw he had a large silver pistol with an ivory handle.  He drew the pistol and pointed it right at my head. I was very scared.  He laughed out loud said ‘Drop your pants.’

What could I do?  He had his pistol pointed right at me – so I dropped my pants.  Then he said ‘Squat.’  What could I do?  He had his pistol pointed right at me – so I squat down like he says.  Then he said –

‘Poop’

I did not have to poop, but what could I do?  He had his pistol pointed right at me. I was very scared, so I pooped.  Pancho Villa pointed his gun at me and with a deep laugh and sinister grin, said ‘Now eat that poop.’

‘Crap,’ I thought. It was disgusting, but what could I do?  He had his pistol pointed right at me, so I ate the poop.  Pancho Villa laughed for a very long time and laughed so hard he fell off his horse, and his silver pistol landed right next to me – so I picked it up and pointed it at Pancho Villa.

He stopped laughing very quickly and I said, ‘drop your pants.’  Oh, Pancho Villa was very scared – what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him!  So he dropped his pants.

I said ‘Squat’ and so Pancho Villa squatted, what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him! Then I said ‘Poop’, and he dropped a big one!

I had a great bid shit eating grin and I said ‘Now, eat that poop.’  He was not happy, but what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him! So Pancho Villa ate that poop!

And you asked me if I know Pancho Villa??

Yes my friend, I knew Pancho Villa, we had lunch together!”

Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution

Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution

Sisters of St. Francis House of ProstitutionA man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye..it reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on with out a second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”
He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business…..”

“Very well my son. Please follow me” He is led through many winding passages and soon is quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.” He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, “Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway. “He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY:
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

Baptism - Dunk a Drunk Joke

Dunk the Drunk

Baptism - Dunk a Drunk Joke

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a baptism along the river bank. The drunk stumbles into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the heavy smell of alcohol, disgusted, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk shouts, “Yes, oi am.”

So the preacher grabs him by his shirt collar and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back up and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, me brother?”

The drunk answers, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!”

The preacher frowns and decides to dunk the drunk man again… this time the preacher holds him down for a good 30 or 40 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God man, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in”?

A grizzled old trucker was having dinner at a truck stop when three very large bikers walked in covered in tattoos and leather. The first biker walked past the old man, pushed his cigarette into his pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second biker walked past the old man, spat into his milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third biker walked past the old man, turned over his plate, and took a seat at the end of the counter. Without a word of protest, the old trucker quietly threw some cash on the counter and left the diner. The bikers burst out laughing and started carrying on about how tough they were. As the waitress walked up to them one of the bikers said, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three Harleys!"

Big Rig Full of Karma

Three bikers walk into a truck stop diner...A grizzled old trucker was having dinner at a truck stop when three very large bikers walked in covered in tattoos and leather.

The first biker walked past the old man, pushed his cigarette into his pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second biker walked past the old man, spat into his milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third biker walked past the old man, turned over his plate, and took a seat at the end of the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old trucker quietly threw some cash on the counter and left the diner. The bikers burst out laughing and started carrying on about how tough they were. As the waitress walked up to them one of the bikers said, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three Harleys!”

I Really Need a Compliment

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, “I’m so old. I’m so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment.”

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, “Well, you really have great eyesight!”