A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, “I’m so old. I’m so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment.”
Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, “Well, you really have great eyesight!”
My wife was standing in the kitchen preparing our usual eggs, bacon, and toast for breakfast and wearing only the t-shirt that she normally sleeps in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said in a hurried tone, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes opened wide as I thought, “either I’m still dreaming or this is going to be a great day!” Not being one to argue with my wife about morning sex, I embraced her and gave it my all, right there on the kitchen counter.
Afterward she said, “Thanks,” straightened her shirt and returned to the stove and took the eggs out of the pan.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She set my plate on the table and said matter-of-factly, “Oh, the egg timer is broken.”
One morning a wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
A husband and had been arguing for days. Finally the wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he was closing the door behind him she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death!”
He turned around, opened the for just a crack and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the
course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and gave here a long passionate kiss.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday’s, I fish!”
My favorite hobby is fishing. I spend all my weekends near the river or lake chasing the elusive game fish, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday early in the morning, I went to the river as usual. But it was freezing cold and the rain was coming down in sheets, so I decided to go back home. My clothes were soaked from the rain so I undressed in the garage, went to my bedroom and slipped into bed beside my still sleeping wife.
“Wow this is terrible weather today, honey.” I said.
“Yeah. And my idiot husband went fishing!”
One day my wife was out, and it was just me and my daughter.
She was maybe two years old. Someone had given her a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.
I was in the living room engrossed in the game when she brought me a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my wife came home.
I made my wife wait in the living room to watch my daughter bring me a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ She waited, and sure enough, my daughter came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy, and my wife watched me drink it up.
Then my wife said, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?”
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength
, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven
! Spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula
by his wife.
“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral!”
My wife and I were in Walmart the other day when I saw that they had an 18 pack of beer on sale for $9.97. Naturally I picked up a case and put it in the cart. Immediately my wife said, “What do you think you are doing? We don’t need that. Put it back!” With a sigh and a grumble under my breath I put the case of beer back on the shelf.
A few minutes later we were in the personal care isle when she puts a $20 bottle of face cream in the cart. “$20? What do you need that for?” “It’s my face cream, it makes me beautiful for you,” she responded. And I shot right back with…
“So does an 18 pack of beer, and it’s half the price!”