A shy guy named Mike is having a drink in a bar when he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage, in liquid form, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t go back to your place and sleep with you!”
By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his spot and get the attention of the bartender so he can pay his tab and leave. As Mike is signing the credit card slip the woman walks over, smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which Mike responds, at the top of his lungs, “There’s no way I’ll pay $300!”
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?”
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix ’em, put ’em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic… “Try doing it with the engine running”
A Proctologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all that he could.
As the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%!
Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler…”
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the
course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and gave here a long passionate kiss.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday’s, I fish!”
A woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband’s sex drive.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asks the doctor.
‘That’s not the problem,’ says Mrs. Smith. ‘He just doesn’t seem interested in sex anymore.’
‘No problem, I’ve got something else he can take’ replies the doctor. ‘Drop it into his coffee, he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how it worked.’
A week later Mrs. Smith returns to the doctor and he asks as to how things went.
‘Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.’
‘What happened?’ asks the doctor.
‘Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept everything off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!’
‘What was terrible?’ said the doctor, ‘Was the sex not good?’
‘Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 15 years… but I’ll never be able to show my face in that IHOP again!’
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says “Dactor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood”.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. “Incredible,” he says, “there is a $20 bill lodged up here”. Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. “This is amazing” exclaims the Doctor “What do you want me to do?”
“Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man” shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the ten and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on…Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.
“Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. “$1990 exactly.”
“Ah, dat’d be roit.” says Paddy “I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.”
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to fill out a deposit and sign her check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
“Well, that’s great….that’s just great……….some asshole’s got my pen!”