Tag Archives: Old Person Jokes

Image For How Would You Describe Couple Sex Joke

How Would You Describe Couple Sex?

Image For How Would You Describe Couple Sex JokeAn 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him “Grandpa what is couple sex?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?

The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”

Old but Shockingly Funny

An older couple was out for a Sunday drive and they decided to go to the town where they had first met.

After they had eaten a wonderful lunch at a nice little dinner bordering an open field, the husband says to his wife “Hey, do you remember that long fence at the other side of the filed?” His wife goes “Why, yes Marvin, of course! That’s where we first made love on a warm spring afternoon.” Marvin gets a sly smile on his face and says to his wife,  “Well, how about we go relive that again, eh?”.

His wife, with a big grin agrees. The young man that was serving them over hears the whole thing, and seeing an opportunity for a YouTube video follows them out.

The old couple gets to the fence, get naked and then start rocking and bucking like they’re 16 years old! The young guy watches the whole thing is disbelief until they finally collapse off the fence, sweaty and breathing hard. Startling the old couple the young man speaks up and asks them in amazement ” Wow! How the did two old-timers like you keep that much stamina?!”. The old man, who is still kinda dazed, stands up and says “Well lets put it this way kid, 60 years ago, the damn fence wasn’t electrified!”

My Hats Off To You

An older woman had been standing at the railing of a nice cruise ship looking into a strong wind, holding tight on to her hat so it would not blow off.

An older man walked up beside her and stood for a minute before he said: “Excuse me, ma’am. I don’t mean to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in the wind?”

“Ohh, yes, I know,” said the woman, “I need both hands to hold onto my hat.”

“I can see that,” the man said, “but, I can also see everything else.”

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, “Sir, anything you see down there is 79 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Always Write Down the Important Things

One afternoon an old man sitting was sitting on a park bench alone, crying, when along came a police officer.

The officer stopped and with genuine concern asks the old man why he was so upset.

The sad old man replied, “Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath where she pas attention to every detail. She then cooks me lunch, followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we finish off the day with a fantastic dinner and yet more wonderful love.”

The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and says, “Well that sounds amazing, what seems to be the problem?”

The old man replied with frustration and defeat, “I can’t remember where I live!”

A Condom Mistake

Miss Davenport, the church organist, was late in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweet personality and kindness to everyone.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her livingroom. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea… As he sat facing her old Hammond Organ, the young minister noticed a decorative glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a latex condom!

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the condom, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Davenport’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes!’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on your organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!’

A Rusty Poke

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She says, “Why, are you sick?”
He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.”
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, “Where the hell are you going”?
She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”
He says, “Why, what do you need?”
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”

handmade amish doll joke about a magic elevator

The Magic Elevator

Being Amish my son and I were visiting a mall for the first time. We were amazed by almost everything we saw, but especially by two shiny, silver doors that moved apart and back together again.

My son asked, “What is this, Father?” and having never been to a mall myself, I responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

We stood watching in amazement, watching wide-eyed. Just then an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving doors and pressed a button. The doors opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room and the doors closed behind her. My son and I watched as small numbered circles lit up above the doors. 1-2-3-2-1

The doors opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out. Immediately I said, “That’s incredible! Quick son, go get your mother!”

joke bubba watson playing golf with an older man

Bubba Watson and the Older Man

Bubba Watson found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon so he headed to the golf course. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man, as he was golfing alone. Being a nice guy and not wanting to say no, he welcomed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the golf ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and Bubba Watson found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, Bubba swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”

ghiradelli chocolate chip cookie mix joke about dying man trying to eat cookies that are for the funeral

One Final Act of Heroic Love

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven! Spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral!”