My wife and I were married and following the honeymoon, I thought I would lay down some rules.
– I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want.
– I don’t expect any hassle from you.
– I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise.
– I’ll go drinking, hunting, fishing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.
Those are my rules,” I said. “Any comments?”
My new bride replied, “No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”
A man in his 40’s bought a new sports car and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch me in this car,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 mph…. then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and my wife has dinner almost ready. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
A man comes home from a long day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television and turns on the game. Without hesitation he tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He quickly finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.” The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore …”
A man comes home from work one day to find his wife in the bedroom packing. “Honey, what are you doing?” The man asks. the wife replies, “I was talking to a friend of mine today and she told me that in Las Vegas I can make $500 for what I give you for FREE!”The husband goes in to the closet to get a bag and starts packing also. A bit angry the wife asks, “What the heck do you think you are doing!?” The husband replies, “I want to see how your going to live in Vegas on $1000 a year!”
Two buddies are out drinking late one night. Near the end of the night one guy turns to the other and with an exasperated tone says, “You know man, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after I’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off outside, ease the door shut, and tip toe up stairs. I get undressed in the bathroom and sneak into bed with the stealth of a ninja. Every time my wife wakes up throwing the covers, huffing and puffing, and yells at me for staying out so late with my ‘idiot’ friends!”His buddy looks at him with a smirk and says, “Ahhh man, this is how I do it: I screech into the driveway, rev the car once in the garage, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my cold hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘Hey good lookin’, how about a blowjob?’She’s sound asleep every time!”