While playing video games Wilbur has a stroke and his buddy helps him out.
Wilbur is Dead
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Tag Archives: Adult Jokes
I went to the river as usual
My favorite hobby is fishing. I spend all my weekends near the river or lake chasing the elusive game fish, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday early in the morning, I went to the river as usual. But it was freezing cold and the rain was coming down in sheets, so I decided to go back home. My clothes were soaked from the rain so I undressed in the garage, went to my bedroom and slipped into bed beside my still sleeping wife.
“Wow this is terrible weather today, honey.” I said.
“Yeah. And my idiot husband went fishing!”
It’s WALES you Idiot!
I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers. We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s WALES you idiot!!!’
So I immediately said ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’
The Magic Elevator
Being Amish my son and I were visiting a mall for the first time. We were amazed by almost everything we saw, but especially by two shiny, silver doors that moved apart and back together again.
My son asked, “What is this, Father?” and having never been to a mall myself, I responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
We stood watching in amazement, watching wide-eyed. Just then an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving doors and pressed a button. The doors opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room and the doors closed behind her. My son and I watched as small numbered circles lit up above the doors. 1-2-3-2-1
The doors opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out. Immediately I said, “That’s incredible! Quick son, go get your mother!”
I know the whole truth!
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying,
“I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,
“Awww Come give your dad a big hug!”
Everybody Poops
A stranger was seated next to me on the plane. Shortly after the plane took off the stranger turned to the me and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”I had just opened my book, so I closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” I said, “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” I replied, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
Roger the Architect
I was sitting at the bar one day, having a beer after work, when I noticed a man a few stools down drowning his sorrows in a large glass of Scotch
. Being the helpful and social guy that I am I said, “Hey buddy, you seem a little down.” “Just reminiscing about my lost career” he said back. “That sounds bad! What happened?” I inquired, thinking he could use some sympathy.
“Well, you know the cathedral down on 5th? I built that. But do they call me Roger the Cathedral Builder? Noooo”
“And do you know the bridge spanning the ravine just outside of town? I built that too and do they call me Roger the Bridge Builder? Noooppe.”
“The stadium downtown, I gave 3 years of my life to that one! You think they call me Roger the Stadium Builder? Not even close!”
“But ya screw one goat..”
These are my rules
My wife and I were married and following the honeymoon
, I thought I would lay down some rules.
– I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want.
– I don’t expect any hassle from you.
– I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise.
– I’ll go drinking, hunting
, fishing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.
Those are my rules,” I said. “Any comments?”
My new bride replied, “No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”
She almost went to heaven
One morning in Sunday School the teacher was talking about heaven and asked the class if any of them knew anyone that has gone to heaven.
Billy raises his hand and says, “My Grandma went to heaven.” “Very good Billy” the teacher responds.
Suzy speaks up and says, “My dog just went to heaven
, I miss him very much but I know he’s in a better place now.” the Sunday school teacher says, “Thanks Suzy for sharing. Anyone else?”
Little johnny raises his hand way up high. “Johnny?” the teacher asks. “The other day, my mom almost went to heaven.” Johnny says. “Ohh my, what do you mean Johnny?”
“Well, I woke up in the middle of the night to go get a drink of water
. As I walked past my parents room I saw my mom in bed on her back, with her legs in the air and my dad was holding her down with all his might as she said over and over again, ‘Oh GOD I’m coming! Oh GOD I’m coming!'”
What Would You Do?
For many years, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other on the steps in front of a large court house building. Late one night an Angel
, in a somewhat mischievous mood, appeared between them and said, “You’ve been standing here for so long, staring right each other, I’m sure there are things you want to do. I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes in which you can do anything you want.” And with a snap of his fingers the angel brought the statues to life.
The two statues approached one another, each with a huge grin and dashed for the bushes. In a matter of moments there emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, with smiles from ear to ear.
“It’s only been fifteen minutes,” said the angel, winking at them, “You still have fifteen more.”
With an even bigger grin the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon
down and I’ll crap on it’s head!”