A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to fill out a deposit and sign her check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
“Well, that’s great….that’s just great……….some asshole’s got my pen!”
A mother is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date.
‘Mommy,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’
‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’
‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’
‘Now really,’ the mother says, ‘Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’
Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’
‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’
Later while the girls are playing, ‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.
‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything you need to know on it.’
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’
The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?
‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’
‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’
‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’
‘Because you got an F in sex.’
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.
“Well” said the man, ” She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
“Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.
Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”
A middle aged blonde lady goes to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options are concerning her rapidly sagging face. “We can give you an old-fashioned face-lift”, he says, “or we can use a new high-tech procedure called ‘The Knob'”.
“What’s ‘The Knob”, Doctor?”, she asks.
He replies, “It’s procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and whenever you start to notice any new wrinkles and sagging, just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin will be nice and tight again.”
“Oh, YES, doctor! That is exactly what I would like to have”, she says excitedly. The operation is a complete success and she looks 15 years younger. As time passes, whenever she notices any new sagging, she simply tightens the knob and VOILA! Her
face is again beautiful.
One day about 8 years later she wakes up one morning and sees two very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she calls her doctor and reports the bags. “Come down to my office right away and let me check it out!” the doctor tells her.
After examining her, he says, “You’ve been tightening the knob WAY too much!!! Those bags under your eyes are your breasts”.
The lady sighs and says, “Well! I guess that explains the goatee!”
Joe gets home late one night and his wife immediately gets on his case. “Where in the hell have you been?” She says.
“Chill out” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my johnson,” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head, “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?”
“Well, I was thinking; I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, I like the feel of money in my hand. And lastly, instead of going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!”
A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.
She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, “Who can tell me what this is?”
A little girl raised her hand.
“Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?”
“It’s a cow, teacher.”
“Very good, Janie,” said the teacher.
Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.
Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “What does your mommy call your daddy when she’s trying to be ‘lovey-dovey’?”
Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, –
“ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It’s a big horny bastard!”
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.
The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 7 people to give up drugs forever.”
“7 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this…
…O…o
…and told them, ‘The big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.'”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?”, he asked the second boy.
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 126 people to give up drugs forever.”
“126 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?”,
“Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
…o…O
I said (pointing to the small circle) “this is your asshole before prison, …”
An accountant decided to leave his wife one day, so he leaves her a note saying:
“Dear Sarah, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I’m leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We’ll be staying at the Sheraton.”
He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:
“Dear Mike. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hilton with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I’m sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!”
Two little boys, Billy and Tommy, were sitting in the hospital waiting room anxious about what was about to happen. As they were talking nervously to each other, Billy eventually asked, “Hey Tommy, what’re you in here for?”
“I’m getting my tonsils out today, I’m a little worried,” said Tommy.
“Oh that’s no big deal. I had my tonsils out last year and it was a great! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”
“Oh yeah?” replied Tommy. “That doesn’t sound so bad. What are you here for Billy?”
“I’m getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Billy answered.
“Oh my GOD, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn’t walk for almost two years!”
His wife is feed up and thinks she’s found a better opportunity.