Tag Archives: Relationship Jokes

The 4 Part Story

Jerry: “I’m gonna tell you a story with 4 parts. Remember that, 4 parts!”

Alex: “Alright..”

Jerry: “Okkay, I’m gonna start with part 1.”

There was a husband and a wife, they were driving to go camping when they came upon a fork in the road. The husband says “I’m going to take the left one.” The wife says “I think we should go right.”

Then the husband slaps the wife across the face ” who’s driving, me or you?!” and they go left.”

Alex: “Ohhhhh Damn!”

Jerry: “Now i’m gonna tell you part 2…”

Once they get to the campsite the husband goes fishing so his wife can cook their dinner. He comes back with a few fish and the wife says “good now I can cook fish soup for dinner!”

The husband says “But I wanna eat fried fish!” The wife slaps the husband across the face and says “Who’s cooking me or you?!” and they end up with fish soup.

Alex: “Ewwww Fish soup!? hahaha”

Jerry: “Now I’m gonna tell you part 4-”

Alex: “What about part 3?!”

Jerry slaps Alex across the face: “Who’s telling the story me or you?”

Are You This Nice To Every Guy?

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.”

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterward, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.”

New House, New Madam

A woman was at a shopping mall when she passed a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. She had always wanted a parrot and decided to go in to the store.

“Why is the parrot so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution… and sometimes it says some pretty inappropriate things.”

The woman thought about this for a minute, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but thought “I guess that’s not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Later that evening, the woman’s husband, Robert, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Rob!”

A Rusty Poke

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She says, “Why, are you sick?”
He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.”
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, “Where the hell are you going”?
She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”
He says, “Why, what do you need?”
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”

Can I have the Chapstick?

The other day I handed my wife a glue stick instead of the chapstick... she didn't talk to me for hours!

A Mothers Report Card

A mother is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date.

‘Mommy,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’

‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’

‘Now really,’ the mother says, ‘Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’

‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’

Later while the girls are playing, ‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything you need to know on it.’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’

The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?

‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’

‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’

‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’

‘Because you got an F in sex.’

She’s just a weeee bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well” said the man, ” She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.

Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”

A home cooked first date

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams! Now what should he do?

His mother advised: “Send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal!”

So that’s what he did. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.

“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.

“Oh, she came over, but she didn’t bring any groceries and she refused to cook!”

The hundred dollar tattoo

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Joe gets home late one night and his wife immediately gets on his case. “Where in the hell have you been?” She says.

“Chill out” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my johnson,” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head, “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?”

“Well, I was thinking; I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, I like the feel of money in my hand. And lastly, instead of going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!”

On The Floor JOKES

Funny Jokes you can Tell Your Friends and Co-Workers!