Category Archives: Idiot Jokes

She’s just a weeee bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well” said the man, ” She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.

Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”

A home cooked first date

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams! Now what should he do?

His mother advised: “Send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal!”

So that’s what he did. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.

“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.

“Oh, she came over, but she didn’t bring any groceries and she refused to cook!”

The Knob

A middle aged blonde lady goes to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options are concerning her rapidly sagging face. “We can give you an old-fashioned face-lift”, he says, “or we can use a new high-tech procedure called ‘The Knob'”.

“What’s ‘The Knob”, Doctor?”, she asks.

He replies, “It’s procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and whenever you start to notice any new wrinkles and sagging, just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin will be nice and tight again.”

“Oh, YES, doctor! That is exactly what I would like to have”, she says excitedly. The operation is a complete success and she looks 15 years younger. As time passes, whenever she notices any new sagging, she simply tightens the knob and VOILA! Her
face is again beautiful.

One day about 8 years later she wakes up one morning and sees two very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she calls her doctor and reports the bags. “Come down to my office right away and let me check it out!” the doctor tells her.

After examining her, he says, “You’ve been tightening the knob WAY too much!!! Those bags under your eyes are your breasts”.

The lady sighs and says, “Well! I guess that explains the goatee!”

Drugs are Bad, UmmmmK

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 7 people to give up drugs forever.”
“7 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this…

…O…o

…and told them, ‘The big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.'”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?”, he asked the second boy.

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 126 people to give up drugs forever.”
“126 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?”,
“Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

…o…O

I said (pointing to the small circle) “this is your asshole before prison, …”

fishing rod and reel joke husband goes fishing in the rain and cheating wife

I went to the river as usual

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My favorite hobby is fishing. I spend all my weekends near the river or lake chasing the elusive game fish, paying no attention to weather.

One Sunday early in the morning, I went to the river as usual. But it was freezing cold and the rain was coming down in sheets, so I decided to go back home. My clothes were soaked from the rain so I undressed in the garage, went to my bedroom and slipped into bed beside my still sleeping wife.

“Wow this is terrible weather today, honey.” I said.

“Yeah. And my idiot husband went fishing!”

Time it to the music

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I was in the coffee shop the other day reading a book and sipping my Grande coffee in a venti cup with 2 pumps hazelnut, 2 pumps vanilla, 2 pumps caramel, 2 equals and 4 sweet and lows filled to the top with cream, with extra cream on the side, double cupped with no sleeve, and a stir stick, when suddenly I had a great need to pass gas. I certainly didn’t want anyone to know it was me and fortunately the music was fairly loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music and by the end of the song I felt much better. However, I looked up to see everyone in the store staring right at me.

That is when I realized I was listening to my iPod!

stuffed plush orca whale joke being from wales or scottland

It’s WALES you Idiot!

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I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers. We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s WALES you idiot!!!’

So I immediately said ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’

luggage joke about eating a booger from my daughters finger

What’s Wrong Honey?

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I was packing for a business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, ‘Daddy, look at this’, and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, ‘Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers’, pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing. When I looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

‘What’s wrong, honey?’ I said.

She replied,

‘What happened to my booger?’