Category Archives: Dirty Jokes

Funny Dirty Jokes

The hundred dollar tattoo

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Joe gets home late one night and his wife immediately gets on his case. “Where in the hell have you been?” She says.

“Chill out” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my johnson,” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head, “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?”

“Well, I was thinking; I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow,  I like the feel of money in my hand. And lastly, instead of going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!”

Not in the barn yard

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A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, “Who can tell me what this is?”

A little girl raised her hand.
“Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?”
“It’s a cow, teacher.”
“Very good, Janie,” said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “What does your mommy call your daddy when she’s trying to be ‘lovey-dovey’?”

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, –
“ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It’s a big horny bastard!”

Drugs are Bad, UmmmmK

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 7 people to give up drugs forever.”
“7 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this…

…O…o

…and told them, ‘The big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.'”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?”, he asked the second boy.

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 126 people to give up drugs forever.”
“126 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?”,
“Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

…o…O

I said (pointing to the small circle) “this is your asshole before prison, …”

Exrta long division

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An accountant decided to leave his wife one day, so he leaves her a note saying:

“Dear Sarah, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I’m leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We’ll be staying at the Sheraton.”

He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:

“Dear Mike. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hilton with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I’m sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!”

lightbulbs joke how many women PMS

How many women with PMS…

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How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE TRASH!!

IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF TRASH THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DUMP!!!

I’m sorry… what did you ask me?

luggage joke about eating a booger from my daughters finger

What’s Wrong Honey?

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I was packing for a business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, ‘Daddy, look at this’, and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, ‘Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers’, pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing. When I looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

‘What’s wrong, honey?’ I said.

She replied,

‘What happened to my booger?’

fisher price tea set joke about drinking toilet water

The Cutest Thing

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One day my wife was out, and it was just me and my daughter.

She was maybe two years old. Someone had given her a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.

I was in the living room engrossed in the game when she brought me a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my wife came home.

I made my wife wait in the living room to watch my daughter bring me a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ She waited, and sure enough, my daughter came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy, and my wife watched me drink it up.

Then my wife said, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?”

Sexy girl in langerie for post about beer

What a Real Woman Does

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Sexy girl in langerie for post about beerA real woman is a man’s best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never though he could, to live without fear and regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room.

She will enable him to be the most confidant, sexy, seductive, and invincible…

No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer… That’s what beer does.