Just to make conversation, his pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV ads, “Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” Johnny replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to!”
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?”
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix ’em, put ’em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic… “Try doing it with the engine running”
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer saw him stuck and came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.
Then the farmer hollered, “Pull Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull Coco, pull!” Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he would never even try!”
One fine spring weekend Joe-Bob and Buckwheat went to their favorite camping spot for a little R&R. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep in their tent. Some hours later, Joe-Bob woke and was a little startled by what he saw. He nudged his good friend to wake him up as well. “Buckwhet, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!”
“I see millions of stars,” Buckwheat said.
“What does that tell you?” Joe-Bob asked.
Buckwheat replied. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Joe-Bob?”
“Buckwheat, you idiot,” he said. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
A seaman meets a peg-leg pirate with a hook hand and an eye patch in a bar. Over several glasses of rum they take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas.
Eventually the seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook?”
“Well…” replied the pirate, “While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch?”
“A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.” said the pirate sadly.
“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well…” said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook…”
Jerry: “I’m gonna tell you a story with 4 parts. Remember that, 4 parts!”
Alex: “Alright..”
Jerry: “Okkay, I’m gonna start with part 1.”
There was a husband and a wife, they were driving to go camping when they came upon a fork in the road. The husband says “I’m going to take the left one.” The wife says “I think we should go right.”
Then the husband slaps the wife across the face ” who’s driving, me or you?!” and they go left.”
Alex: “Ohhhhh Damn!”
Jerry: “Now i’m gonna tell you part 2…”
Once they get to the campsite the husband goes fishing so his wife can cook their dinner. He comes back with a few fish and the wife says “good now I can cook fish soup for dinner!”
The husband says “But I wanna eat fried fish!” The wife slaps the husband across the face and says “Who’s cooking me or you?!” and they end up with fish soup.
Alex: “Ewwww Fish soup!? hahaha”
Jerry: “Now I’m gonna tell you part 4-”
Alex: “What about part 3?!”
Jerry slaps Alex across the face: “Who’s telling the story me or you?”
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.”
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterward, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.”
The Smith Family had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The priest agreed, but asked to see them individually.
The next morning the mother drove the boys into town to meet with the priest. The 8 year old was sent into the priests office first.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”
Again the boy, dumbfounded, made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly to the car and wouldn’t speak the whole way home, where he ran to his room and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude…
God is missing–and they think WE did it!”
A mother is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date.
‘Mommy,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’
‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’
‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’
‘Now really,’ the mother says, ‘Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’
Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’
‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’
Later while the girls are playing, ‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.
‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything you need to know on it.’
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’
The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?
‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’
‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’
‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’
‘Because you got an F in sex.’