Put the beer back

My wife and I were in Walmart the other day when I saw that they had an 18 pack of beer on sale for $9.97. Naturally I picked up a case and put it in the cart. Immediately my wife said, “What do you think you are doing? We don’t need that. Put it back!” With a sigh and a grumble under my breath I put the case of beer back on the shelf.

A few minutes later we were in the personal care isle when she puts a $20 bottle of face cream in the cart. “$20? What do you need that for?” “It’s my face cream, it makes me beautiful for you,” she responded. And I shot right back with…

“So does an 18 pack of beer, and it’s half the price!”

You never know what flavor your going to get!

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One morning Ms. Fox was teaching her second grade class about flavor and color associations. To do this she was giving the students Lifesaver Candy. She gave all the kids the red ones, “Cherry” they all shouted. Then yellow ones, “Lemon” they said. And green ones, “Lime!”

Finally she gave them clear, honey flavored Lifesavers, but none of the students could guess. “I’ll give you a hint,” Ms. Fox said. “They are what your Mom might sometimes call your Dad.”

One little girl spits hers on the floor and says,

“Ewww, they’re assholes!”

If you have what I have

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I was sitting in the bar one day after work, having a beer, when a man sits down beside me. The bartender finishes up drying a glass and comes over to ask the man what he’ll have.
“Four of your strongest drinks” the man answers. The bartender cocks his head a bit funny, but pours him the four drinks. The man downs them one after the other, bam, bam bam, bam.

“Woah buddy, everything alright?” I said and he responded, “Hey man, if you have what I have you would drink that fast too.” “What do you have?” the bartender asked.

To which the man replied, “Fifty cents”

I would like to understand women

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I was taking my morning stroll on the beach when I noticed something shiney in the sand. Curious I went to investigate and dug it out of the sand. It was a very ornate gold container and as I was brushing the sand off, naturally, smoke starts spewing from the opening and a Genie appears. The Genie says, “You get one wish.” To which I replied, “I thought I got three?”
“That’s just a myth, now don’t push your luck and make your one wish.” He said.

I thought about it for a moment, looking out over the ocean and it came to me. With a grin I told the Genie, “I wish for a toll bridge from here to Hawaii and I want to collect all the tolls!”

The Genie frowned and said, “That is a tremendous amount of work! That is even harder than when I had to build all those pyramids. Can’t you think of something else?”

I thought for a little while, and being influenced by some recent troubles with my wife I said, “I want to understand women!”

To which the Genie responded, “Do you want two lanes or four?”

Roger the Architect

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I was sitting at the bar one day, having a beer after work, when I noticed a man a few stools down drowning his sorrows in a large glass of Scotch. Being the helpful and social guy that I am I said, “Hey buddy, you seem a little down.” “Just reminiscing about my lost career” he said back. “That sounds bad! What happened?” I inquired, thinking he could use some sympathy.

“Well, you know the cathedral down on 5th? I built that. But do they call me Roger the Cathedral Builder? Noooo”
“And do you know the bridge spanning the ravine just outside of town? I built that too and do they call me Roger the Bridge Builder? Noooppe.”
“The stadium downtown, I gave 3 years of my life to that one! You think they call me Roger the Stadium Builder? Not even close!”

“But ya screw one goat..”

These are my rules

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Honeymoon couple on the beach drawing a sunscreen heart for marriage rules joke

My wife and I were married and following the honeymoon, I thought I would lay down some rules.
– I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want.
– I don’t expect any hassle from you.
– I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise.
– I’ll go drinking, hunting, fishing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.

Those are my rules,” I said. “Any comments?”

My new bride replied, “No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

What’s Your Excuse?

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A man in his 40’s bought a new sports car and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch me in this car,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 mph…. then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and my wife has dinner almost ready. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend, Sir” said the officer.

don’t go in that field

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A US special agent pulled up to a ranch house in Texas and talked with an older rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to search your ranch for an escaped fugitive we believe to be in the area.” The rancher said, “Okay no problem, but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out the field.
The agent verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his coat pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear……do you understand ?!!”
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores as the agent headed straight out to the field. A short time later, the rancher heard a loud scream coming from the direction of the field. He looked up and saw the agent running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Texan Bull… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the agent, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…..

“Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE…….. ! !”

She almost went to heaven

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One morning in Sunday School the teacher was talking about heaven and asked the class if any of them knew anyone that has gone to heaven.

Billy raises his hand and says, “My Grandma went to heaven.” “Very good Billy” the teacher responds.

Suzy speaks up and says, “My dog just went to heaven, I miss him very much but I know he’s in a better place now.” the Sunday school teacher says, “Thanks Suzy for sharing. Anyone else?”

Little johnny raises his hand way up high. “Johnny?” the teacher asks. “The other day, my mom almost went to heaven.” Johnny says. “Ohh my, what do you mean Johnny?”

“Well, I woke up in the middle of the night to go get a drink of water. As I walked past my parents room I saw my mom in bed on her back, with her legs in the air and my dad was holding her down with all his might as she said over and over again, ‘Oh GOD I’m coming! Oh GOD I’m coming!'”

How many women can you marry?

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Two younger boys were sitting on a bench watching the grown-ups dance at a wedding reception, when the younger of the two boys, deep in thought, asks the other boy, “How many women can a man marry?” Right away the other boy answers, “Sixteen.”
“Sixteen!? Wow, how do you know that?” the younger boy asks.

“Didn’t you hear the preacher when he was talking? All you have to do is add it up,” the older boy says.

“Four better, Four worse, Four richer, Four poorer.”

On The Floor JOKES

Funny Jokes you can Tell Your Friends and Co-Workers!

Put the beer back

You never know what flavor your going to get!

If you have what I have

I would like to understand women

Roger the Architect

These are my rules

What’s Your Excuse?

don’t go in that field

She almost went to heaven

How many women can you marry?