My wife said, “Erm… We’ve been playing on the Wii Fit.” She winked at my buddy and said, “Dave did VERY well.”
As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me an “idiot”, but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!
April was not the best Sunday school student. She usually she slept through class, having partied the night before.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good”. April fell back asleep in under a minute.
A while later the teacher again asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior,” Again, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back asleep.
Later on, the teacher asked April a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted,
“IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”
A blonde woman decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to prove that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint their bedroom.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive odor of paint. He walks into the bedroom and finds his wife lying on the floor dripping sweat. She is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. Yes, She replies. He asks what she is doing. She says that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the bedroom. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. Well, she starts, I was reading the directions on the paint can and they said:
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”
“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”
“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”
“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”
“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”
“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”
The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”
“I found it.”
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing.” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few more strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem!” says the barber “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
An older couple was out for a Sunday drive and they decided to go to the town where they had first met.
After they had eaten a wonderful lunch at a nice little dinner bordering an open field, the husband says to his wife “Hey, do you remember that long fence at the other side of the filed?” His wife goes “Why, yes Marvin, of course! That’s where we first made love on a warm spring afternoon.” Marvin gets a sly smile on his face and says to his wife, “Well, how about we go relive that again, eh?”.
His wife, with a big grin agrees. The young man that was serving them over hears the whole thing, and seeing an opportunity for a YouTube video follows them out.
The old couple gets to the fence, get naked and then start rocking and bucking like they’re 16 years old! The young guy watches the whole thing is disbelief until they finally collapse off the fence, sweaty and breathing hard. Startling the old couple the young man speaks up and asks them in amazement ” Wow! How the did two old-timers like you keep that much stamina?!”. The old man, who is still kinda dazed, stands up and says “Well lets put it this way kid, 60 years ago, the damn fence wasn’t electrified!”
A very attractive lady walks up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. She seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no.” the man replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“Can’t,” breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.
“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”
One fine spring weekend Joe-Bob and Buckwheat went to their favorite camping spot for a little R&R. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep in their tent. Some hours later, Joe-Bob woke and was a little startled by what he saw. He nudged his good friend to wake him up as well. “Buckwhet, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!”
“I see millions of stars,” Buckwheat said.
“What does that tell you?” Joe-Bob asked.
Buckwheat replied. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Joe-Bob?”
“Buckwheat, you idiot,” he said. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
“Good Afternnoon, Computer Helper, my name is John, what can I do for you today?”
“Yes, hello John, I’m having trouble with my computer.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in your typing program, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
……”Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
……”Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
……”Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer!”
A couple was last minute shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping center the wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone, then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.