My Hats Off To You

An older woman had been standing at the railing of a nice cruise ship looking into a strong wind, holding tight on to her hat so it would not blow off.

An older man walked up beside her and stood for a minute before he said: “Excuse me, ma’am. I don’t mean to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in the wind?”

“Ohh, yes, I know,” said the woman, “I need both hands to hold onto my hat.”

“I can see that,” the man said, “but, I can also see everything else.”

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, “Sir, anything you see down there is 79 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Fun With Acronyms

A businessman walked toward an elevator in his building to head up to his office for the day. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters, “T-G-I-F.”

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.” She looked at him, puzzled, and said “T-G-I-F.”

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, “T-G-I-F” one more time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a whimsical expression, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

The man answered, “S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It’s Thursday.”

Always Write Down the Important Things

One afternoon an old man sitting was sitting on a park bench alone, crying, when along came a police officer.

The officer stopped and with genuine concern asks the old man why he was so upset.

The sad old man replied, “Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath where she pas attention to every detail. She then cooks me lunch, followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we finish off the day with a fantastic dinner and yet more wonderful love.”

The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and says, “Well that sounds amazing, what seems to be the problem?”

The old man replied with frustration and defeat, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Your Position Matters

There were three pregnant friends having lunch and discussing their recent pre-natal exams. The first woman says, “The doctor asked me, in what position was the baby conceived?”

“He was on top “, I replied.
“You will have a boy!” The doctor exclaimed.

“The doctor asked me the same question,” the second woman says.

“I was on top,” I said.
“You will have a baby girl!” Said the doctor.

With this the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” asked the her friends.

“Am I going to have puppies?”

Once You Go Rear, It’s Hard To Go Gear

A Proctologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all that he could.

As the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%!

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler…”

A Condom Mistake

Miss Davenport, the church organist, was late in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweet personality and kindness to everyone.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her livingroom. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea… As he sat facing her old Hammond Organ, the young minister noticed a decorative glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a latex condom!

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the condom, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Davenport’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes!’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on your organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!’

What Would You Do To Last Longer In Bed?

From spicyjokes.com

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,”He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

What’s Your Sex Life Nickname?

From jokespalace.com

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.” Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.”

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, “Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.” Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?”

“Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”

Who Needs To Confess?

From jokespalace

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

That’s a Crappy Way to Lose an Eye

A seaman meets a peg-leg pirate with a hook hand and an eye patch in a bar. Over several glasses of rum they take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas.

Eventually the seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook?”

“Well…” replied the pirate, “While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch?”

“A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.” said the pirate sadly.

“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook…”