Doctors Orders

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the
course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and gave here a long passionate kiss.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday’s, I fish!”

Do I have anything on my forehead?


A husband is at home watching the game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says impatiently, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Maytag written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”

So he goes to the local watering hole and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a pie.”

He said, “So, what kind of pie did you bake him?”

She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?”

He found his sex drive alright!


A woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband’s sex drive.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asks the doctor.

‘That’s not the problem,’ says Mrs. Smith. ‘He just doesn’t seem interested in sex anymore.’

‘No problem, I’ve got something else he can take’ replies the doctor. ‘Drop it into his coffee, he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how it worked.’

A week later Mrs. Smith returns to the doctor and he asks as to how things went.

‘Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.’

‘What happened?’ asks the doctor.

‘Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept everything off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!’

‘What was terrible?’ said the doctor, ‘Was the sex not good?’

‘Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 15 years… but I’ll never be able to show my face in that IHOP again!’

I had a hard time swallowing this one


An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says “Dactor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood”.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. “Incredible,” he says, “there is a $20 bill lodged up here”. Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. “This is amazing” exclaims the Doctor “What do you want me to do?”

“Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man” shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the ten and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on…Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

“Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. “$1990 exactly.”

“Ah, dat’d be roit.” says Paddy “I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.”

Aperture nervous for your interview


I took my buddy for a job interview at a camera store the other day.

Before he walked in he knew I’d have a joke lined up, and said “I know you, please don’t give me any of your ridiculous puns , like, be sure to frame your subjects, focus on the details, or it’ll be over in a flash…”

So I punched him in the face, and said: “That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture..”

The 4 Part Story

Jerry: “I’m gonna tell you a story with 4 parts. Remember that, 4 parts!”

Alex: “Alright..”

Jerry: “Okkay, I’m gonna start with part 1.”

There was a husband and a wife, they were driving to go camping when they came upon a fork in the road. The husband says “I’m going to take the left one.” The wife says “I think we should go right.”

Then the husband slaps the wife across the face ” who’s driving, me or you?!” and they go left.”

Alex: “Ohhhhh Damn!”

Jerry: “Now i’m gonna tell you part 2…”

Once they get to the campsite the husband goes fishing so his wife can cook their dinner. He comes back with a few fish and the wife says “good now I can cook fish soup for dinner!”

The husband says “But I wanna eat fried fish!” The wife slaps the husband across the face and says “Who’s cooking me or you?!” and they end up with fish soup.

Alex: “Ewwww Fish soup!? hahaha”

Jerry: “Now I’m gonna tell you part 4-”

Alex: “What about part 3?!”

Jerry slaps Alex across the face: “Who’s telling the story me or you?”

Are You This Nice To Every Guy?

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.”

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterward, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.”

Has Anyone Seen God?

The Smith Family had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in  town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The priest agreed, but asked to see them individually.

The next morning the mother drove the boys into town to meet with the priest. The 8 year old was sent into the priests office first.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”

Again the boy, dumbfounded, made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly to the car and wouldn’t speak the whole way home, where he ran to his room and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude…
God is missing–and they think WE did it!”

Image of horse manure for vacuum salesman joke

Don’t Make a Bet Your Mouth Can’t Cash

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity yesterday.”

Parrot image for new house new madam joke

New House, New Madam

A woman was at a shopping mall when she passed a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. She had always wanted a parrot and decided to go in to the store.

“Why is the parrot so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution… and sometimes it says some pretty inappropriate things.”

The woman thought about this for a minute, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but thought “I guess that’s not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Later that evening, the woman’s husband, Robert, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Rob!”