Scooby Snacks

Leave a reply

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?” A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.” “What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?” “Sir,” answered the little man, “it’s a little four week old female puppy.” “Bull!” roared the biker, “how could your puppy kill my Doberman?” “It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.”

The worst backseat driver ever

1 Reply

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, “Do you know that you were speeding?” The man replies, “No sir, I didn’t know I was speeding.” The mans wife then yells, “Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I’ve been telling you to slow down for miles.” “SHUT UP!” the man says to his wife, “Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite.” Then the cop says, “well, since I’ve got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?” “No Sir” the man replies, “I did not know that” “WHATEVER!” His wife yells, “I’ve been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!” “Shut up” the man yells to his wife again! “Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!” Curios, the cop walks over to the woman’s side of the car and asks her, “Does he always talk to you this way?” “No” she replies, ” Only when he’s drinking!”

Christmas Cop Jokes About Johnny’s Bike

Leave a reply

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

The kid says, “Yeah, he did.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a reflector on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 ticket for a bicycle safety violation.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humoring the kid, the cop jokes, “Yeah, he sure did.” The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

This Gentleman Wants the Other Half

Leave a reply

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.” The manager okays the request and the man went on his way.

Later on the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir.” “Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” inquired the manager. The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota”, exclaimed the manager.

The boy instantly replied, “Really! What team did she play for?”

See ya later Alligator

Leave a reply

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!” As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, “That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?” The guy catches his breath, then says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!”

What Happened in Texas?

Leave a reply

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

Need a change of scenery?

Leave a reply

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive.

Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his old man.

“Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years.”

No such thing as a free lunch

Leave a reply

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, “Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven’t had a good meal in several days.”

The owner says, “I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I’ve never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal.”

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, “Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in.”

The hobo says, “Thank you very much, sir. But there’s something that I think you should know. It’s not a Porsche you got there. It’s a BMW.”

Old People Jokes Forgot the Whipped Cream

Leave a reply

An 80 year old couple was having problems remembering things and finally the wife says, “We’re getting to be the butt of Old People Jokes, maybe we should get a check up.” So they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, he tells them that they were physically okay, but, the doctor jokes, “You might want to start writing things down and make notes to help remember things.”

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?” He replied, “To the kitchen.” She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” He replied, “Sure.” She then asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” He said, “No, I can remember that.”

She then said, “Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.” He said, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” She replied, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: “I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”