Tag Archives: Gross Jokes

fisher price tea set joke about drinking toilet water

The Cutest Thing

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One day my wife was out, and it was just me and my daughter.

She was maybe two years old. Someone had given her a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.

I was in the living room engrossed in the game when she brought me a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my wife came home.

I made my wife wait in the living room to watch my daughter bring me a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ She waited, and sure enough, my daughter came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy, and my wife watched me drink it up.

Then my wife said, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?”

everyone poops 410 pounds a year joke airplane conversation you don't know shit

Everybody Poops

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A stranger was seated next to me on the plane. Shortly after the plane took off the stranger turned to the me and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”I had just opened my book, so I closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” I said, “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” I replied, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

How full is your cup?

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One of the senior legal assistants of a large law firm was tasked everyday with getting the head partner coffee. Every morning the assistant made coffee in the lawyers favorite mug, but by the time he made it to his office, after the bumps and spills, the mug was only two-thirds full. Every morning the lawyer was enraged that his coffee wasn’t full and yelled tirelessly at the assistant, insulting everything about him.
One morning the lawyer was in an extra bad mood as the assistant entered the his office with the ‘almost’ full cup of coffee and the lawyer laid into him, threatening his job if he didn’t start delivering full cups of coffee.
The next morning the lawyer was greeted with a hot cup of coffee that was full to the brim. The lawyer took the coffee with a smirk and sent the assistant out with no yelling for the first time in weeks! As he passed one of the paralegals in the hall, the paralegal asked the assistant how he did it.
“Oh, there’s not much to it,” admitted the assistant happily, “I took a big drink of coffee in the coffee room, and spit it back in the cup just outside his office.”