Tag Archives: Bar Jokes

Two Can Play That Game

A shy guy named Mike is having a drink in a bar when he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage, in liquid form, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t go back to your place and sleep with you!”

By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his spot and get the attention of the bartender so he can pay his tab and leave. As Mike is signing the credit card slip the woman walks over, smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which Mike responds, at the top of his lungs, “There’s no way I’ll pay $300!”

A Pretty Crappy Situation

A very attractive lady walks up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. She seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no.” the man replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“Can’t,” breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

A Real Romantic

A couple was last minute shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping center the wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone, then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: “Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you?” His wife’s eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:”Yes,­ I remember that jewellery shop””Well,” he said, “I’m in the pub next to it”

That’s a Crappy Way to Lose an Eye

A seaman meets a peg-leg pirate with a hook hand and an eye patch in a bar. Over several glasses of rum they take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas.

Eventually the seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook?”

“Well…” replied the pirate, “While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch?”

“A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.” said the pirate sadly.

“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook…”

Do I have anything on my forehead?


A husband is at home watching the game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says impatiently, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Maytag written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”

So he goes to the local watering hole and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a pie.”

He said, “So, what kind of pie did you bake him?”

She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?”

Time it to the music

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I was in the coffee shop the other day reading a book and sipping my Grande coffee in a venti cup with 2 pumps hazelnut, 2 pumps vanilla, 2 pumps caramel, 2 equals and 4 sweet and lows filled to the top with cream, with extra cream on the side, double cupped with no sleeve, and a stir stick, when suddenly I had a great need to pass gas. I certainly didn’t want anyone to know it was me and fortunately the music was fairly loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music and by the end of the song I felt much better. However, I looked up to see everyone in the store staring right at me.

That is when I realized I was listening to my iPod!

quarter joke about ordering 4 drinks

If you have what I have

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I was sitting in the bar one day after work, having a beer, when a man sits down beside me. The bartender finishes up drying a glass and comes over to ask the man what he’ll have.
“Four of your strongest drinks” the man answers. The bartender cocks his head a bit funny, but pours him the four drinks. The man downs them one after the other, bam, bam bam, bam.

“Woah buddy, everything alright?” I said and he responded, “Hey man, if you have what I have you would drink that fast too.” “What do you have?” the bartender asked.

To which the man replied, “Fifty cents”

Roger the Architect

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I was sitting at the bar one day, having a beer after work, when I noticed a man a few stools down drowning his sorrows in a large glass of Scotch. Being the helpful and social guy that I am I said, “Hey buddy, you seem a little down.” “Just reminiscing about my lost career” he said back. “That sounds bad! What happened?” I inquired, thinking he could use some sympathy.

“Well, you know the cathedral down on 5th? I built that. But do they call me Roger the Cathedral Builder? Noooo”
“And do you know the bridge spanning the ravine just outside of town? I built that too and do they call me Roger the Bridge Builder? Noooppe.”
“The stadium downtown, I gave 3 years of my life to that one! You think they call me Roger the Stadium Builder? Not even close!”

“But ya screw one goat..”

Drinking for Two

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One afternoon a man walks into a bar orders two beers and sits down at a booth. He quietly finishes the beers and leaves. This goes on for several days until the bartenders finally asks, “What’s with the two beers?” “Well,” the man answers, “recently my best buddy died so I drink a beer for him and one for me.”
This goes on for a couple of weeks until one day the man comes in and orders just one beer. “Why only one beer this time?” the bartender asks.

The man answers, “Ehh, I’ve given up drinking.“

This Cheese Sandwich Tastes Funny

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An older gentleman enters a small pub one day and finds himself a seat at the bar. A good looking blonde smiles at him cheerfully and asks, “What can I get you, Sugar?” “Just a beer please,” the man answers. As he quietly sips his beer, he notices a whiteboard on the wall behind the bar that reads:

Cheese Sandwich – $3
Ham and Cheese – $5
Hand Job – $10

A few minutes passes and he gets the attention of the very attractive bartender. “Are you the one that gives the hand jobs?” He asks. With a big grin and a seductive look she says, “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Ok, well why don’t you wash your hands and get me a cheese sandwich.”