Category Archives: Professional Jokes

life saver candy asshole joke

You never know what flavor your going to get!

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One morning Ms. Fox was teaching her second grade class about flavor and color associations. To do this she was giving the students Lifesaver Candy. She gave all the kids the red ones, “Cherry” they all shouted. Then yellow ones, “Lemon” they said. And green ones, “Lime!”

Finally she gave them clear, honey flavored Lifesavers, but none of the students could guess. “I’ll give you a hint,” Ms. Fox said. “They are what your Mom might sometimes call your Dad.”

One little girl spits hers on the floor and says,

“Ewww, they’re assholes!”

What’s Your Excuse?

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A man in his 40’s bought a new sports car and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch me in this car,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 mph…. then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and my wife has dinner almost ready. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend, Sir” said the officer.

us recovery agent badge for a joke about an enforcement officer being chased by a bull.

don’t go in that field

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A US special agent pulled up to a ranch house in Texas and talked with an older rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to search your ranch for an escaped fugitive we believe to be in the area.” The rancher said, “Okay no problem, but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out the field.
The agent verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his coat pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear……do you understand ?!!”
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores as the agent headed straight out to the field. A short time later, the rancher heard a loud scream coming from the direction of the field. He looked up and saw the agent running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Texan Bull… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the agent, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…..

“Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE…….. ! !”

us recovery agent badge for a joke about an enforcement officer being chased by a bull.

This Cheese Sandwich Tastes Funny

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An older gentleman enters a small pub one day and finds himself a seat at the bar. A good looking blonde smiles at him cheerfully and asks, “What can I get you, Sugar?” “Just a beer please,” the man answers. As he quietly sips his beer, he notices a whiteboard on the wall behind the bar that reads:

Cheese Sandwich – $3
Ham and Cheese – $5
Hand Job – $10

A few minutes passes and he gets the attention of the very attractive bartender. “Are you the one that gives the hand jobs?” He asks. With a big grin and a seductive look she says, “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Ok, well why don’t you wash your hands and get me a cheese sandwich.”

A Joke about The State Troopers Ball

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A young woman was pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, and asked for her license and registration. As she handed the trooper the paperwork she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper’s Ball, aren’t you?”

He looked at the woman and said, ” Ma’am, State Troopers don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence, he closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

The Hot Air Balloon Manager Jokes with the Engineer

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”

“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below says “You must be a manager.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

How full is your cup?

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One of the senior legal assistants of a large law firm was tasked everyday with getting the head partner coffee. Every morning the assistant made coffee in the lawyers favorite mug, but by the time he made it to his office, after the bumps and spills, the mug was only two-thirds full. Every morning the lawyer was enraged that his coffee wasn’t full and yelled tirelessly at the assistant, insulting everything about him.
One morning the lawyer was in an extra bad mood as the assistant entered the his office with the ‘almost’ full cup of coffee and the lawyer laid into him, threatening his job if he didn’t start delivering full cups of coffee.
The next morning the lawyer was greeted with a hot cup of coffee that was full to the brim. The lawyer took the coffee with a smirk and sent the assistant out with no yelling for the first time in weeks! As he passed one of the paralegals in the hall, the paralegal asked the assistant how he did it.
“Oh, there’s not much to it,” admitted the assistant happily, “I took a big drink of coffee in the coffee room, and spit it back in the cup just outside his office.”

This Gentleman Wants the Other Half

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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.” The manager okays the request and the man went on his way.

Later on the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir.” “Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” inquired the manager. The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota”, exclaimed the manager.

The boy instantly replied, “Really! What team did she play for?”