Category Archives: Idiot Jokes

What a Sweet Tiger Joke

John and Sally are in the store when Sally calls to John and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a neat jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The Sally says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a sweet tiger.”

John studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling the tiger on that box.”

“Second,” John sighs, “lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

Wii bit of an Idiot

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best buddy, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, “What’s going on?”

My wife said, “Erm… We’ve been playing on the Wii Fit.” She winked at my buddy and said, “Dave did VERY well.”

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me an “idiot”, but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

Never Lose Your Balls

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, when a salesman runs up to him and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”
The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”
“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”
“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”
“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”
“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”
“I found it.”

Notice Anything Funny About the Sky?

One fine spring weekend Joe-Bob and Buckwheat went to their favorite camping spot for a little R&R. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep in their tent. Some hours later, Joe-Bob woke and was a little startled by what he saw. He nudged his good friend to wake him up as well. “Buckwhet, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!”

“I see millions of stars,” Buckwheat said.

“What does that tell you?” Joe-Bob asked.

Buckwheat replied. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Joe-Bob?”

“Buckwheat, you idiot,” he said. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

This Computer is a Joke!

“Good Afternnoon, Computer Helper, my name is John, what can I do for you today?”
“Yes, hello John, I’m having trouble with my computer.”

“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in your typing program, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
……”Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
……”Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
……”Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”
“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer!”

A Condom Mistake

Miss Davenport, the church organist, was late in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweet personality and kindness to everyone.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her livingroom. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea… As he sat facing her old Hammond Organ, the young minister noticed a decorative glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a latex condom!

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the condom, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Davenport’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes!’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on your organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!’

That’s a Crappy Way to Lose an Eye

A seaman meets a peg-leg pirate with a hook hand and an eye patch in a bar. Over several glasses of rum they take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas.

Eventually the seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook?”

“Well…” replied the pirate, “While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch?”

“A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.” said the pirate sadly.

“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook…”

Aperture nervous for your interview


I took my buddy for a job interview at a camera store the other day.

Before he walked in he knew I’d have a joke lined up, and said “I know you, please don’t give me any of your ridiculous puns , like, be sure to frame your subjects, focus on the details, or it’ll be over in a flash…”

So I punched him in the face, and said: “That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture..”

Image of horse manure for vacuum salesman joke

Don’t Make a Bet Your Mouth Can’t Cash

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity yesterday.”