Tag Archives: Relationship Jokes

Exrta long division

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day, so he leaves her a note saying:

“Dear Sarah, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I’m leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We’ll be staying at the Sheraton.”

He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:

“Dear Mike. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hilton with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I’m sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!”

fishing rod and reel joke husband goes fishing in the rain and cheating wife

I went to the river as usual

My favorite hobby is fishing. I spend all my weekends near the river or lake chasing the elusive game fish, paying no attention to weather.

One Sunday early in the morning, I went to the river as usual. But it was freezing cold and the rain was coming down in sheets, so I decided to go back home. My clothes were soaked from the rain so I undressed in the garage, went to my bedroom and slipped into bed beside my still sleeping wife.

“Wow this is terrible weather today, honey.” I said.

“Yeah. And my idiot husband went fishing!”

lightbulbs joke how many women PMS

How many women with PMS…

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE TRASH!!

IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF TRASH THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DUMP!!!

I’m sorry… what did you ask me?

handmade amish doll joke about a magic elevator

The Magic Elevator

Being Amish my son and I were visiting a mall for the first time. We were amazed by almost everything we saw, but especially by two shiny, silver doors that moved apart and back together again.

My son asked, “What is this, Father?” and having never been to a mall myself, I responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

We stood watching in amazement, watching wide-eyed. Just then an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving doors and pressed a button. The doors opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room and the doors closed behind her. My son and I watched as small numbered circles lit up above the doors. 1-2-3-2-1

The doors opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out. Immediately I said, “That’s incredible! Quick son, go get your mother!”

mailman costume joke about knowing the whole truth

I know the whole truth!

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying,

“I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,

“Awww Come give your dad a big hug!”

ghiradelli chocolate chip cookie mix joke about dying man trying to eat cookies that are for the funeral

One Final Act of Heroic Love

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven! Spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral!”

Sexy girl in langerie for post about beer

What a Real Woman Does

Sexy girl in langerie for post about beerA real woman is a man’s best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never though he could, to live without fear and regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room.

She will enable him to be the most confidant, sexy, seductive, and invincible…

No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer… That’s what beer does.

olay face cream joke put the beer back

Put the beer back

My wife and I were in Walmart the other day when I saw that they had an 18 pack of beer on sale for $9.97. Naturally I picked up a case and put it in the cart. Immediately my wife said, “What do you think you are doing? We don’t need that. Put it back!” With a sigh and a grumble under my breath I put the case of beer back on the shelf.

A few minutes later we were in the personal care isle when she puts a $20 bottle of face cream in the cart. “$20? What do you need that for?” “It’s my face cream, it makes me beautiful for you,” she responded. And I shot right back with…

“So does an 18 pack of beer, and it’s half the price!”

genie lamp

I would like to understand women

genie lamp

I was taking my morning stroll on the beach when I noticed something shiney in the sand. Curious I went to investigate and dug it out of the sand. It was a very ornate gold container and as I was brushing the sand off, naturally, smoke starts spewing from the opening and a Genie appears. The Genie says, “You get one wish.” To which I replied, “I thought I got three?”
“That’s just a myth, now don’t push your luck and make your one wish.” He said.

I thought about it for a moment, looking out over the ocean and it came to me. With a grin I told the Genie, “I wish for a toll bridge from here to Hawaii and I want to collect all the tolls!”

The Genie frowned and said, “That is a tremendous amount of work! That is even harder than when I had to build all those pyramids. Can’t you think of something else?”

I thought for a little while, and being influenced by some recent troubles with my wife I said, “I want to understand women!”

To which the Genie responded, “Do you want two lanes or four?”