A man comes home from work one day to find his wife in the bedroom packing. “Honey, what are you doing?” The man asks. the wife replies, “I was talking to a friend of mine today and she told me that in Las Vegas I can make $500 for what I give you for FREE!”The husband goes in to the closet to get a bag
and starts packing also. A bit angry the wife asks, “What the heck do you think you are doing!?” The husband replies, “I want to see how your going to live in Vegas
on $1000 a year!”
An older gentleman enters a small pub one day and finds himself a seat at the bar
. A good looking blonde smiles at him cheerfully and asks, “What can I get you, Sugar?” “Just a beer
please,” the man answers. As he quietly sips his beer, he notices a whiteboard
on the wall behind the bar that reads:
Cheese Sandwich – $3
Ham and Cheese – $5
Hand Job – $10
A few minutes passes and he gets the attention of the very attractive bartender. “Are you the one that gives the hand jobs?” He asks. With a big grin and a seductive look she says, “Yeah, that’s me.”
“Ok, well why don’t you wash your hands and get me a cheese sandwich.”
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, “Pat, what are you so happy for?””Well Mike, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead
came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Mike. She couldn’t swim!”
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, “What are you happy about today Pat?” “Well Mike… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde
came up to me… tits out to here, Mike, and she said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I told her ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Mike! She couldn’t swim!”
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin’ over a beer. Mike says, “Pat, what are you so sad for?” “Well Mike, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ So I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out,Mike, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’
She pulled down her pants and….. She had a pecker
, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! …and I can’t swim Mike! I can’t swim!”
late one night. Near the end of the night one guy turns to the other and with an exasperated tone says, “You know man, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after I’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off outside, ease the door shut, and tip toe up stairs. I get undressed in the bathroom and sneak
into bed with the stealth of a ninja. Every time my wife wakes up throwing the covers, huffing and puffing
, and yells at me for staying out so late with my ‘idiot’ friends!”His buddy looks at him with a smirk and says, “Ahhh man, this is how I do it: I screech into the driveway, rev the car once in the garage, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my cold hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘Hey good lookin’, how about a blowjob?’She’s sound asleep
every time!”On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The kid says, “Yeah, he did.”
The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a reflector on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 ticket for a bicycle safety violation.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humoring the kid, the cop jokes, “Yeah, he sure did.” The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!” As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, “That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?” The guy catches his breath, then says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!”
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive.
Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his old man.
“Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years.”
A mother found her son, Little Johnny, scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : “Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play.”
Son : “But mom, there’s no one to play with.”
Mom : “I’ll play with you, what do you wanna play?”
Son : “Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed.”
The mom agreed and went upstairs. The son put on his dad’s fishing hat and lit up one of his dad’s cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : “Now what do I do?”
Son : “Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some damn ice cream.”