Category Archives: Religious Jokes

Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye..it reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on with out a second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”
He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business…..”

“Very well my son. Please follow me” He is led through many winding passages and soon is quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.” He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, “Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway. “He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY:
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

Dunk the Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a baptism along the river bank. The drunk stumbles into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the heavy smell of alcohol, disgusted, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk shouts, “Yes, oi am.”

So the preacher grabs him by his shirt collar and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back up and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, me brother?”

The drunk answers, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!”

The preacher frowns and decides to dunk the drunk man again… this time the preacher holds him down for a good 30 or 40 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God man, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in”?

The Senator Gets One Day in Heaven

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a bus and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you. ‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. ‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the senator.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules. ‘And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it’s time to visit heaven. ‘So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. ‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. ‘So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the senator. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ‘

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning….Today you voted.’

The Great Flood Joke of 2013

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.”
“Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
“You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.”Noah!,” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.”
“I needed a Building Permit.”
“I’ve been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”

“My homeowners association claim that I’ve violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”

“Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.”
“I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”

“The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.”
“The labor unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”
“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.”

“Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.”

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. ” The Government beat me to it.”

Sunday School Slumber

April was not the best Sunday school student. She usually she slept through class, having partied the night before.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good”. April fell back asleep in under a minute.

A while later the teacher again asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior,” Again, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back asleep.

Later on, the teacher asked April a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted,

“IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

Has Anyone Seen God?

The Smith Family had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The priest agreed, but asked to see them individually.

The next morning the mother drove the boys into town to meet with the priest. The 8 year old was sent into the priests office first.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”

Again the boy, dumbfounded, made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly to the car and wouldn’t speak the whole way home, where he ran to his room and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude…
God is missing–and they think WE did it!”

Very important guy

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he’d never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the red and blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, “Just a moment please.” and walked back to his car.

The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. “How do I handle this, chief?” asked the trooper. “Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief. “No! This guy is even more important!”

“Is it the President?” asked the chief.

“No! Even more important!”

“Well, who the heck is it?” screamed the chief.

“I don’t know, sir,” replied the trooper, “but he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”