A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, “I’m so old. I’m so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment.”
Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, “Well, you really have great eyesight!”
My wife was standing in the kitchen preparing our usual eggs, bacon, and toast for breakfast and wearing only the t-shirt that she normally sleeps in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said in a hurried tone, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes opened wide as I thought, “either I’m still dreaming or this is going to be a great day!” Not being one to argue with my wife about morning sex, I embraced her and gave it my all, right there on the kitchen counter.
Afterward she said, “Thanks,” straightened her shirt and returned to the stove and took the eggs out of the pan.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She set my plate on the table and said matter-of-factly, “Oh, the egg timer is broken.”
One morning a wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
A husband and had been arguing for days. Finally the wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he was closing the door behind him she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death!”
He turned around, opened the for just a crack and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
My wife said, “Erm… We’ve been playing on the Wii Fit.” She winked at my buddy and said, “Dave did VERY well.”
As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me an “idiot”, but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!
A couple was last minute shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping center the wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone, then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
From jokespalace.com
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.” Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.”
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, “Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.” Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?”
“Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the
course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and gave here a long passionate kiss.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday’s, I fish!”
A husband is at home watching the game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says impatiently, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”
To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Maytag written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”
“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”
So he goes to the local watering hole and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”
She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a pie.”
He said, “So, what kind of pie did you bake him?”
She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?”
A woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband’s sex drive.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asks the doctor.
‘That’s not the problem,’ says Mrs. Smith. ‘He just doesn’t seem interested in sex anymore.’
‘No problem, I’ve got something else he can take’ replies the doctor. ‘Drop it into his coffee, he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how it worked.’
A week later Mrs. Smith returns to the doctor and he asks as to how things went.
‘Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.’
‘What happened?’ asks the doctor.
‘Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept everything off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!’
‘What was terrible?’ said the doctor, ‘Was the sex not good?’
‘Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 15 years… but I’ll never be able to show my face in that IHOP again!’