Tag Archives: Police Jokes

What Would You Do To Last Longer In Bed?

From spicyjokes.com

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,”He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

Very important guy

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he’d never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the red and blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, “Just a moment please.” and walked back to his car.

The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. “How do I handle this, chief?” asked the trooper. “Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief. “No! This guy is even more important!”

“Is it the President?” asked the chief.

“No! Even more important!”

“Well, who the heck is it?” screamed the chief.

“I don’t know, sir,” replied the trooper, “but he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”

Drugs are Bad, UmmmmK

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 7 people to give up drugs forever.”
“7 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this…

…O…o

…and told them, ‘The big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.'”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?”, he asked the second boy.

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 126 people to give up drugs forever.”
“126 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?”,
“Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

…o…O

I said (pointing to the small circle) “this is your asshole before prison, …”

What’s Your Excuse?

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A man in his 40’s bought a new sports car and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch me in this car,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 mph…. then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and my wife has dinner almost ready. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend, Sir” said the officer.

us recovery agent badge for a joke about an enforcement officer being chased by a bull.

don’t go in that field

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A US special agent pulled up to a ranch house in Texas and talked with an older rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to search your ranch for an escaped fugitive we believe to be in the area.” The rancher said, “Okay no problem, but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out the field.
The agent verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his coat pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear……do you understand ?!!”
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores as the agent headed straight out to the field. A short time later, the rancher heard a loud scream coming from the direction of the field. He looked up and saw the agent running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Texan Bull… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the agent, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…..

“Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE…….. ! !”

us recovery agent badge for a joke about an enforcement officer being chased by a bull.

A Joke about The State Troopers Ball

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A young woman was pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, and asked for her license and registration. As she handed the trooper the paperwork she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper’s Ball, aren’t you?”

He looked at the woman and said, ” Ma’am, State Troopers don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence, he closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.