Three vampires walk into a nice, dark, dive bar. The bartender looks at them a little sideways, but decides to serve them anyway. “What’ll it be, boys?”
The first vampire says “I’ll have a Blood!”
The second vampire says “Mehh, I’ll also have a Blood.”
The third vampire says “I’m watching my figure, I just want plasma.”
The Bartender smiles and says “Got it. Two Bloods, and a Blood-Light.”
A young man was in a bar sipping his tequila when he notices a picture of Pancho Villa on the wall behind the bar. Jokingly, the young man asks the old bartender, “Did you know Pancho Villa?”
“Did I know Pancho Villa?” Says the old bartender, “Let me tell you a story my friend. I was a young man tending to a herd of cattle when I saw far in the distance a great red cloud of sand and dust coming toward me from the desert.
As the cloud of dust got closer, I was very nervous it was bandits. I heard the sound of hoof beats and at last I saw a great white horse, and it was the great man himself, Pancho Villa riding straight at me!
He got close to me and I saw he had a large silver pistol with an ivory handle. He drew the pistol and pointed it right at my head. I was very scared. He laughed out loud said ‘Drop your pants.’
What could I do? He had his pistol pointed right at me – so I dropped my pants. Then he said ‘Squat.’ What could I do? He had his pistol pointed right at me – so I squat down like he says. Then he said –
‘Poop’
I did not have to poop, but what could I do? He had his pistol pointed right at me. I was very scared, so I pooped. Pancho Villa pointed his gun at me and with a deep laugh and sinister grin, said ‘Now eat that poop.’
‘Crap,’ I thought. It was disgusting, but what could I do? He had his pistol pointed right at me, so I ate the poop. Pancho Villa laughed for a very long time and laughed so hard he fell off his horse, and his silver pistol landed right next to me – so I picked it up and pointed it at Pancho Villa.
He stopped laughing very quickly and I said, ‘drop your pants.’ Oh, Pancho Villa was very scared – what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him! So he dropped his pants.
I said ‘Squat’ and so Pancho Villa squatted, what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him! Then I said ‘Poop’, and he dropped a big one!
I had a great bid shit eating grin and I said ‘Now, eat that poop.’ He was not happy, but what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him! So Pancho Villa ate that poop!
And you asked me if I know Pancho Villa??
Yes my friend, I knew Pancho Villa, we had lunch together!”
A shy guy named Mike is having a drink in a bar when he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage, in liquid form, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t go back to your place and sleep with you!”
By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his spot and get the attention of the bartender so he can pay his tab and leave. As Mike is signing the credit card slip the woman walks over, smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which Mike responds, at the top of his lungs, “There’s no way I’ll pay $300!”
A couple was last minute shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping center the wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone, then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
A husband is at home watching the game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says impatiently, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”
To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Maytag written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”
“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”
So he goes to the local watering hole and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”
She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a pie.”
He said, “So, what kind of pie did you bake him?”
She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?”
I was sitting in the bar one day after work, having a beer, when a man sits down beside me. The bartender finishes up drying a glass and comes over to ask the man what he’ll have.
“Four of your strongest drinks” the man answers. The bartender cocks his head a bit funny, but pours him the four drinks. The man downs them one after the other, bam, bam bam, bam.
“Woah buddy, everything alright?” I said and he responded, “Hey man, if you have what I have you would drink that fast too.” “What do you have?” the bartender asked.
To which the man replied, “Fifty cents”
I was sitting at the bar one day, having a beer after work, when I noticed a man a few stools down drowning his sorrows in a large glass of Scotch
. Being the helpful and social guy that I am I said, “Hey buddy, you seem a little down.” “Just reminiscing about my lost career” he said back. “That sounds bad! What happened?” I inquired, thinking he could use some sympathy.
“Well, you know the cathedral down on 5th? I built that. But do they call me Roger the Cathedral Builder? Noooo”
“And do you know the bridge spanning the ravine just outside of town? I built that too and do they call me Roger the Bridge Builder? Noooppe.”
“The stadium downtown, I gave 3 years of my life to that one! You think they call me Roger the Stadium Builder? Not even close!”
“But ya screw one goat..”
One afternoon a man walks into a bar orders two beers and sits down at a booth
. He quietly finishes the beers and leaves. This goes on for several days until the bartenders finally asks, “What’s with the two beers?” “Well,” the man answers, “recently my best buddy died so I drink a beer for him and one for me.”
This goes on for a couple of weeks until one day the man comes in and orders just one beer. “Why only one beer this time?” the bartender asks.
The man answers, “Ehh, I’ve given up drinking.
“
An older gentleman enters a small pub one day and finds himself a seat at the bar
. A good looking blonde smiles at him cheerfully and asks, “What can I get you, Sugar?” “Just a beer
please,” the man answers. As he quietly sips his beer, he notices a whiteboard
on the wall behind the bar that reads:
Cheese Sandwich – $3
Ham and Cheese – $5
Hand Job – $10
A few minutes passes and he gets the attention of the very attractive bartender. “Are you the one that gives the hand jobs?” He asks. With a big grin and a seductive look she says, “Yeah, that’s me.”
“Ok, well why don’t you wash your hands and get me a cheese sandwich.”
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, “Pat, what are you so happy for?””Well Mike, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead
came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Mike. She couldn’t swim!”
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, “What are you happy about today Pat?” “Well Mike… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde
came up to me… tits out to here, Mike, and she said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I told her ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Mike! She couldn’t swim!”
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin’ over a beer. Mike says, “Pat, what are you so sad for?” “Well Mike, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ So I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out,Mike, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’
She pulled down her pants and….. She had a pecker
, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! …and I can’t swim Mike! I can’t swim!”