A joke about waxin’ your boat

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So the Joke goes:

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, “Pat, what are you so happy for?””Well Mike, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Mike. She couldn’t swim!”
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, “What are you happy about today Pat?” “Well Mike… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me… tits out to here, Mike, and she said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I told her ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Mike! She couldn’t swim!”
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin’ over a beer. Mike says, “Pat, what are you so sad for?” “Well Mike, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ So I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out,Mike, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’
She pulled down her pants and….. She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! …and I can’t swim Mike! I can’t swim!”

A Joke about being out late drinking

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Two buddies are out drinking late one night. Near the end of the night one guy turns to the other and with an exasperated tone says, “You know man, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after I’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off outside, ease the door shut, and tip toe up stairs. I get undressed in the bathroom and sneak into bed with the stealth of a ninja. Every time my wife wakes up throwing the covers, huffing and puffing, and yells at me for staying out so late with my ‘idiot’ friends!”His buddy looks at him with a smirk and says, “Ahhh man, this is how I do it: I screech into the driveway, rev the car once in the garage, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my cold hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘Hey good lookin’, how about a blowjob?’She’s sound asleep every time!”

A joke about a cookbook

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Two young single guys are sitting at a bar BSin. As their conversation drifts from this to that one guy brings up cooking as a bachelor. One guy says, “I got a cookbook once, but I never used it to cook anything.”
“Too much fancy work for ya, eh?” The other guy says.
“You said it! Every one of the recipes is a joke, they all began the same way – Take a clean dish and…”

A Joke About the Important Things in Life

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A Philosophy professor sat at the front of her class and had some items on her desk. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty pickle jar and filled it with golf balls. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor then picked up a bag of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The golf balls are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then… A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a can of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

The Hot Air Balloon Manager Jokes with the Engineer

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”

“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below says “You must be a manager.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

How full is your cup?

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One of the senior legal assistants of a large law firm was tasked everyday with getting the head partner coffee. Every morning the assistant made coffee in the lawyers favorite mug, but by the time he made it to his office, after the bumps and spills, the mug was only two-thirds full. Every morning the lawyer was enraged that his coffee wasn’t full and yelled tirelessly at the assistant, insulting everything about him.
One morning the lawyer was in an extra bad mood as the assistant entered the his office with the ‘almost’ full cup of coffee and the lawyer laid into him, threatening his job if he didn’t start delivering full cups of coffee.
The next morning the lawyer was greeted with a hot cup of coffee that was full to the brim. The lawyer took the coffee with a smirk and sent the assistant out with no yelling for the first time in weeks! As he passed one of the paralegals in the hall, the paralegal asked the assistant how he did it.
“Oh, there’s not much to it,” admitted the assistant happily, “I took a big drink of coffee in the coffee room, and spit it back in the cup just outside his office.”

That is the talking clock

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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. “What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked. “That is the talking clock,” the man replied. “How’s it work?”

“Watch,” the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot! It’s two o’clock in the morning!”

Washing my dog

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An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog,” said the grocer. “It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well, the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.” “Oh? What was it then?” “I think it was the spin cycle!”

Your only allowed one seat

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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”

The Fifth Floor

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A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.” So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”