Either way it’s a tax.
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Get me a beer before it starts
A man comes home from a long day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television and turns on the game. Without hesitation he tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He quickly finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.” The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore …”
The man sighs and says, “It started
…”
What Would You Do?
For many years, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other on the steps in front of a large court house building. Late one night an Angel
, in a somewhat mischievous mood, appeared between them and said, “You’ve been standing here for so long, staring right each other, I’m sure there are things you want to do. I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes in which you can do anything you want.” And with a snap of his fingers the angel brought the statues to life.
The two statues approached one another, each with a huge grin and dashed for the bushes. In a matter of moments there emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, with smiles from ear to ear.
“It’s only been fifteen minutes,” said the angel, winking at them, “You still have fifteen more.”
With an even bigger grin the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon
down and I’ll crap on it’s head!”
When Life Gives You Lemons
and share a 
and some laughs!
I hope to die peacefully
I Got a Hole in One of My Golf Jokes!
Gotta love punny golf jokes!
Drinking for Two
One afternoon a man walks into a bar orders two beers and sits down at a booth
. He quietly finishes the beers and leaves. This goes on for several days until the bartenders finally asks, “What’s with the two beers?” “Well,” the man answers, “recently my best buddy died so I drink a beer for him and one for me.”
This goes on for a couple of weeks until one day the man comes in and orders just one beer. “Why only one beer this time?” the bartender asks.
The man answers, “Ehh, I’ve given up drinking.
“
Giving it Away For Free
A man comes home from work one day to find his wife in the bedroom packing. “Honey, what are you doing?” The man asks. the wife replies, “I was talking to a friend of mine today and she told me that in Las Vegas I can make $500 for what I give you for FREE!”The husband goes in to the closet to get a bag
and starts packing also. A bit angry the wife asks, “What the heck do you think you are doing!?” The husband replies, “I want to see how your going to live in Vegas
on $1000 a year!”
This Cheese Sandwich Tastes Funny
An older gentleman enters a small pub one day and finds himself a seat at the bar
. A good looking blonde smiles at him cheerfully and asks, “What can I get you, Sugar?” “Just a beer
please,” the man answers. As he quietly sips his beer, he notices a whiteboard
on the wall behind the bar that reads:
Cheese Sandwich – $3
Ham and Cheese – $5
Hand Job – $10
A few minutes passes and he gets the attention of the very attractive bartender. “Are you the one that gives the hand jobs?” He asks. With a big grin and a seductive look she says, “Yeah, that’s me.”
“Ok, well why don’t you wash your hands and get me a cheese sandwich.”
A Joke about The State Troopers Ball
A young woman was pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding
. The trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, and asked for her license and registration. As she handed the trooper the paperwork she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper’s Ball, aren’t you?”
He looked at the woman and said, ” Ma’am, State Troopers don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence, he closed his book, tipped his hat
, got back in his patrol car and left.