Tag Archives: Mom

A Mothers Report Card

A mother is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date.

‘Mommy,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’

‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’

‘Now really,’ the mother says, ‘Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’

‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’

Later while the girls are playing, ‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything you need to know on it.’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’

The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?

‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’

‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’

‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’

‘Because you got an F in sex.’

A home cooked first date

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams! Now what should he do?

His mother advised: “Send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal!”

So that’s what he did. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.

“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.

“Oh, she came over, but she didn’t bring any groceries and she refused to cook!”

Not in the barn yard

Leave a reply

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, “Who can tell me what this is?”

A little girl raised her hand.
“Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?”
“It’s a cow, teacher.”
“Very good, Janie,” said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “What does your mommy call your daddy when she’s trying to be ‘lovey-dovey’?”

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, –
“ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It’s a big horny bastard!”

Lets play Mommy and Daddy

Leave a reply

A mother found her son, Little Johnny, scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : “Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play.”

Son : “But mom, there’s no one to play with.”

Mom : “I’ll play with you, what do you wanna play?”

Son : “Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed.”

The mom agreed and went upstairs. The son put on his dad’s fishing hat and lit up one of his dad’s cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : “Now what do I do?”

Son : “Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some damn ice cream.”

train-station-two-hour-delay-joke

Sorry for the Two Hour Delay

Leave a reply

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell “All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving”. The mother went in and told her son, “we don’t use that kind of language in this house.” Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don’t want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today”.

“For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

Two Hour Delay Joke Milan Train Station at Midnight by Stuck in Customs, on Flickr

Milan Train Station at Midnight by Stuck in Customs, on Flickr