A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.
The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying “I am not sure that is a duck.”
The psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying “I know it’s a duck, but I’m not sure that it knows it’s a duck.”
The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. He turns to the pathologist and says “Go see if that was a duck.”
Just to make conversation, his pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV ads, “Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” Johnny replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to!”
There were three pregnant friends having lunch and discussing their recent pre-natal exams. The first woman says, “The doctor asked me, in what position was the baby conceived?”
“He was on top “, I replied.
“You will have a boy!” The doctor exclaimed.
“The doctor asked me the same question,” the second woman says.
“I was on top,” I said.
“You will have a baby girl!” Said the doctor.
With this the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” asked the her friends.
“Am I going to have puppies?”
A woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband’s sex drive.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asks the doctor.
‘That’s not the problem,’ says Mrs. Smith. ‘He just doesn’t seem interested in sex anymore.’
‘No problem, I’ve got something else he can take’ replies the doctor. ‘Drop it into his coffee, he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how it worked.’
A week later Mrs. Smith returns to the doctor and he asks as to how things went.
‘Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.’
‘What happened?’ asks the doctor.
‘Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept everything off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!’
‘What was terrible?’ said the doctor, ‘Was the sex not good?’
‘Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 15 years… but I’ll never be able to show my face in that IHOP again!’
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says “Dactor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood”.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. “Incredible,” he says, “there is a $20 bill lodged up here”. Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. “This is amazing” exclaims the Doctor “What do you want me to do?”
“Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man” shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the ten and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on…Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.
“Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. “$1990 exactly.”
“Ah, dat’d be roit.” says Paddy “I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.”
A middle aged blonde lady goes to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options are concerning her rapidly sagging face. “We can give you an old-fashioned face-lift”, he says, “or we can use a new high-tech procedure called ‘The Knob'”.
“What’s ‘The Knob”, Doctor?”, she asks.
He replies, “It’s procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and whenever you start to notice any new wrinkles and sagging, just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin will be nice and tight again.”
“Oh, YES, doctor! That is exactly what I would like to have”, she says excitedly. The operation is a complete success and she looks 15 years younger. As time passes, whenever she notices any new sagging, she simply tightens the knob and VOILA! Her
face is again beautiful.
One day about 8 years later she wakes up one morning and sees two very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she calls her doctor and reports the bags. “Come down to my office right away and let me check it out!” the doctor tells her.
After examining her, he says, “You’ve been tightening the knob WAY too much!!! Those bags under your eyes are your breasts”.
The lady sighs and says, “Well! I guess that explains the goatee!”