Three vampires walk into a nice, dark, dive bar. The bartender looks at them a little sideways, but decides to serve them anyway. “What’ll it be, boys?”
The first vampire says “I’ll have a Blood!”
The second vampire says “Mehh, I’ll also have a Blood.”
The third vampire says “I’m watching my figure, I just want plasma.”
The Bartender smiles and says “Got it. Two Bloods, and a Blood-Light.”
A husband is at home watching the game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says impatiently, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”
To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Maytag written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”
“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”
So he goes to the local watering hole and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”
She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a pie.”
He said, “So, what kind of pie did you bake him?”
She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?”
I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers. We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s WALES you idiot!!!’
So I immediately said ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’
A real woman
is a man’s best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort
him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never though he could, to live without fear and regret
.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions
and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room.
She will enable him to be the most confidant, sexy, seductive, and invincible…
No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer
… That’s what beer does.
My wife and I were in Walmart the other day when I saw that they had an 18 pack of beer on sale for $9.97. Naturally I picked up a case and put it in the cart. Immediately my wife said, “What do you think you are doing? We don’t need that. Put it back!” With a sigh and a grumble under my breath I put the case of beer back on the shelf.
A few minutes later we were in the personal care isle when she puts a $20 bottle of face cream in the cart. “$20? What do you need that for?” “It’s my face cream, it makes me beautiful for you,” she responded. And I shot right back with…
“So does an 18 pack of beer, and it’s half the price!”
I was sitting in the bar one day after work, having a beer, when a man sits down beside me. The bartender finishes up drying a glass and comes over to ask the man what he’ll have.
“Four of your strongest drinks” the man answers. The bartender cocks his head a bit funny, but pours him the four drinks. The man downs them one after the other, bam, bam bam, bam.
“Woah buddy, everything alright?” I said and he responded, “Hey man, if you have what I have you would drink that fast too.” “What do you have?” the bartender asked.
To which the man replied, “Fifty cents”
I was sitting at the bar one day, having a beer after work, when I noticed a man a few stools down drowning his sorrows in a large glass of Scotch
. Being the helpful and social guy that I am I said, “Hey buddy, you seem a little down.” “Just reminiscing about my lost career” he said back. “That sounds bad! What happened?” I inquired, thinking he could use some sympathy.
“Well, you know the cathedral down on 5th? I built that. But do they call me Roger the Cathedral Builder? Noooo”
“And do you know the bridge spanning the ravine just outside of town? I built that too and do they call me Roger the Bridge Builder? Noooppe.”
“The stadium downtown, I gave 3 years of my life to that one! You think they call me Roger the Stadium Builder? Not even close!”
“But ya screw one goat..”
A man comes home from a long day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television and turns on the game. Without hesitation he tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He quickly finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.” The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore …”
The man sighs and says, “It started
…”
One afternoon a man walks into a bar orders two beers and sits down at a booth
. He quietly finishes the beers and leaves. This goes on for several days until the bartenders finally asks, “What’s with the two beers?” “Well,” the man answers, “recently my best buddy died so I drink a beer for him and one for me.”
This goes on for a couple of weeks until one day the man comes in and orders just one beer. “Why only one beer this time?” the bartender asks.
The man answers, “Ehh, I’ve given up drinking.
“
An older gentleman enters a small pub one day and finds himself a seat at the bar
. A good looking blonde smiles at him cheerfully and asks, “What can I get you, Sugar?” “Just a beer
please,” the man answers. As he quietly sips his beer, he notices a whiteboard
on the wall behind the bar that reads:
Cheese Sandwich – $3
Ham and Cheese – $5
Hand Job – $10
A few minutes passes and he gets the attention of the very attractive bartender. “Are you the one that gives the hand jobs?” He asks. With a big grin and a seductive look she says, “Yeah, that’s me.”
“Ok, well why don’t you wash your hands and get me a cheese sandwich.”