Category Archives: Dirty Jokes

Funny Dirty Jokes

Who Needs To Confess?

From jokespalace

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

Do I have anything on my forehead?


A husband is at home watching the game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says impatiently, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Maytag written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”

So he goes to the local watering hole and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a pie.”

He said, “So, what kind of pie did you bake him?”

She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?”

He found his sex drive alright!


A woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband’s sex drive.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asks the doctor.

‘That’s not the problem,’ says Mrs. Smith. ‘He just doesn’t seem interested in sex anymore.’

‘No problem, I’ve got something else he can take’ replies the doctor. ‘Drop it into his coffee, he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how it worked.’

A week later Mrs. Smith returns to the doctor and he asks as to how things went.

‘Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.’

‘What happened?’ asks the doctor.

‘Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept everything off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!’

‘What was terrible?’ said the doctor, ‘Was the sex not good?’

‘Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 15 years… but I’ll never be able to show my face in that IHOP again!’

I had a hard time swallowing this one


An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says “Dactor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood”.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. “Incredible,” he says, “there is a $20 bill lodged up here”. Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. “This is amazing” exclaims the Doctor “What do you want me to do?”

“Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man” shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the ten and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on…Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

“Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. “$1990 exactly.”

“Ah, dat’d be roit.” says Paddy “I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.”

Aperture nervous for your interview


I took my buddy for a job interview at a camera store the other day.

Before he walked in he knew I’d have a joke lined up, and said “I know you, please don’t give me any of your ridiculous puns , like, be sure to frame your subjects, focus on the details, or it’ll be over in a flash…”

So I punched him in the face, and said: “That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture..”

Image of horse manure for vacuum salesman joke

Don’t Make a Bet Your Mouth Can’t Cash

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity yesterday.”

Parrot image for new house new madam joke

New House, New Madam

A woman was at a shopping mall when she passed a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. She had always wanted a parrot and decided to go in to the store.

“Why is the parrot so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution… and sometimes it says some pretty inappropriate things.”

The woman thought about this for a minute, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but thought “I guess that’s not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Later that evening, the woman’s husband, Robert, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Rob!”

A Rusty Poke

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She says, “Why, are you sick?”
He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.”
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, “Where the hell are you going”?
She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”
He says, “Why, what do you need?”
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”

Lost Another Pen

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to fill out a deposit and sign her check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

“Well, that’s great….that’s just great……….some asshole’s got my pen!”

The Knob

A middle aged blonde lady goes to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options are concerning her rapidly sagging face. “We can give you an old-fashioned face-lift”, he says, “or we can use a new high-tech procedure called ‘The Knob'”.

“What’s ‘The Knob”, Doctor?”, she asks.

He replies, “It’s procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and whenever you start to notice any new wrinkles and sagging, just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin will be nice and tight again.”

“Oh, YES, doctor! That is exactly what I would like to have”, she says excitedly. The operation is a complete success and she looks 15 years younger. As time passes, whenever she notices any new sagging, she simply tightens the knob and VOILA! Her
face is again beautiful.

One day about 8 years later she wakes up one morning and sees two very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she calls her doctor and reports the bags. “Come down to my office right away and let me check it out!” the doctor tells her.

After examining her, he says, “You’ve been tightening the knob WAY too much!!! Those bags under your eyes are your breasts”.

The lady sighs and says, “Well! I guess that explains the goatee!”