Category Archives: Dirty Jokes

Funny Dirty Jokes

Image For How Would You Describe Couple Sex Joke

How Would You Describe Couple Sex?

Image For How Would You Describe Couple Sex JokeAn 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him “Grandpa what is couple sex?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?

The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”

But what could he do? So Pancho Villa ate the poop.

But What Could I Do? So I Ate The Poop

But what could he do? So Pancho Villa ate the poop.A young man was in a bar sipping his tequila when he notices a picture of Pancho Villa on the wall behind the bar. Jokingly, the young man asks the old bartender, “Did you know Pancho Villa?”

“Did I know Pancho Villa?” Says the old bartender,  “Let me tell you a story my friend.  I was a young man tending to a herd of cattle when I saw far in the distance a great red cloud of sand and dust coming toward me from the desert.

As the cloud of dust got closer, I was very nervous it was bandits. I heard the sound of hoof beats and at last I saw a great white horse, and it was the great man himself, Pancho Villa riding straight at me!

He got close to me and I saw he had a large silver pistol with an ivory handle.  He drew the pistol and pointed it right at my head. I was very scared.  He laughed out loud said ‘Drop your pants.’

What could I do?  He had his pistol pointed right at me – so I dropped my pants.  Then he said ‘Squat.’  What could I do?  He had his pistol pointed right at me – so I squat down like he says.  Then he said –

‘Poop’

I did not have to poop, but what could I do?  He had his pistol pointed right at me. I was very scared, so I pooped.  Pancho Villa pointed his gun at me and with a deep laugh and sinister grin, said ‘Now eat that poop.’

‘Crap,’ I thought. It was disgusting, but what could I do?  He had his pistol pointed right at me, so I ate the poop.  Pancho Villa laughed for a very long time and laughed so hard he fell off his horse, and his silver pistol landed right next to me – so I picked it up and pointed it at Pancho Villa.

He stopped laughing very quickly and I said, ‘drop your pants.’  Oh, Pancho Villa was very scared – what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him!  So he dropped his pants.

I said ‘Squat’ and so Pancho Villa squatted, what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him! Then I said ‘Poop’, and he dropped a big one!

I had a great bid shit eating grin and I said ‘Now, eat that poop.’  He was not happy, but what could he do? I had his pistol pointed right at him! So Pancho Villa ate that poop!

And you asked me if I know Pancho Villa??

Yes my friend, I knew Pancho Villa, we had lunch together!”

Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution

Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution

Sisters of St. Francis House of ProstitutionA man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye..it reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on with out a second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”
He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business…..”

“Very well my son. Please follow me” He is led through many winding passages and soon is quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.” He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, “Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway. “He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY:
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

A grizzled old trucker was having dinner at a truck stop when three very large bikers walked in covered in tattoos and leather. The first biker walked past the old man, pushed his cigarette into his pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second biker walked past the old man, spat into his milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third biker walked past the old man, turned over his plate, and took a seat at the end of the counter. Without a word of protest, the old trucker quietly threw some cash on the counter and left the diner. The bikers burst out laughing and started carrying on about how tough they were. As the waitress walked up to them one of the bikers said, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three Harleys!"

Big Rig Full of Karma

Three bikers walk into a truck stop diner...A grizzled old trucker was having dinner at a truck stop when three very large bikers walked in covered in tattoos and leather.

The first biker walked past the old man, pushed his cigarette into his pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second biker walked past the old man, spat into his milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third biker walked past the old man, turned over his plate, and took a seat at the end of the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old trucker quietly threw some cash on the counter and left the diner. The bikers burst out laughing and started carrying on about how tough they were. As the waitress walked up to them one of the bikers said, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three Harleys!”

Morning Sex, It’s All About The Timing!

My wife was standing in the kitchen preparing our usual eggs, bacon, and toast for breakfast and wearing only the t-shirt that she normally sleeps in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said in a hurried tone, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes opened wide as I thought, “either I’m still dreaming or this is going to be a great day!” Not being one to argue with my wife about morning sex, I embraced her and gave it my all, right there on the kitchen counter.

Afterward she said, “Thanks,” straightened her shirt and returned to the stove and took the eggs out of the pan.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She set my plate on the table and said matter-of-factly, “Oh, the egg timer is broken.”

A Pretty Crappy Situation

A very attractive lady walks up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. She seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no.” the man replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“Can’t,” breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

Once You Go Rear, It’s Hard To Go Gear

A Proctologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all that he could.

As the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%!

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler…”

A Condom Mistake

Miss Davenport, the church organist, was late in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweet personality and kindness to everyone.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her livingroom. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea… As he sat facing her old Hammond Organ, the young minister noticed a decorative glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a latex condom!

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the condom, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Davenport’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes!’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on your organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!’

What Would You Do To Last Longer In Bed?

From spicyjokes.com

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,”He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

What’s Your Sex Life Nickname?

From jokespalace.com

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.” Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.”

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, “Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.” Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?”

“Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”